This is going to be a year of resolving contradictions. At least a year that sees me giving awareness a chance. And as I keep on talking about this my ignorance is at its peak. This kind of pride can only originate from ignorance. Ignorance that accomplishment is only a matter of resolve.

I am almost lyrical there. And I am making a conscious effort of connecting with the reader and it’s me taking my first steps.

So I watched this Japanese drama series. A pianist is asked by his teacher – ‘whom do you play for?’ and he says ‘For myself.’ The pianist is not well recognized but the teacher is aware of his potential. Eventually the protagonist realizes his full potential when he plays piano for someone else.

Khi, khi. Yes I am that pianist. And this is me trying to protect original me. I am not sure if you ever noticed but sometime quite early on this blog I wrote – ‘with each passing day, we lose some part of originality’. Don’t you think it was quite deep and futuristic for that time? I think it was still something better though. And I feel proud that I wrote that. And I can totally feel ashamed right now seeing this post as a lame attempt to a writing practice class. I finally feel home.

But the question remains - do I edit or do I not. I don’t know what I am trying to protect when everything is borrowed anyway. That’s another deep thought. I am going deeper in shit, is what I feel.

Anyway, this post was supposed to have an objective - more of an experiment actually where I consciously give serious damn to make some sense. Maintain a flow of thoughts, exemplify, simplify and see if that makes me feel better. If that brings additional clarity. If that takes me closer to the truth. That’s three in a row.

So I had this rather honest conversation with a relatively younger person - an ex colleague actually. And he doesn’t even know how lucky he is to find an anonymous mention here. So he talks a lot. And I don’t mind actually because I find it incredibly hard to talk randomly even though it may sound random. Hehe. And I laugh. Excuse me.

Ok. So we are rather discussing this point. To express or not. Particularly, if you feel something very strongly – should you say it out loud or not. I told him that if we do that, we are looking for approval, external validation and that shows lack in self belief. This was a catch 22 situation. I hope you realize that.

this will be a quicky. i am not quite sure what i an going to write.

and i could end the post right here saying that i dont give a damn.

anyways, my weekends have been crazy busy lately. let me count. sister, brother, bangalore, agra, home. seriously. and i wanted to do so many things. and its already two months. and here i am.

but it put things in perspective. once you find something, you need to hold to it, not give it up so easily.

and i am a very neutral person, without preference. and i think that is bad. and i look for consistency when i am not consistent when it comes to me and the world. that sucks.

what else?

time flies by.

and that sounds as if i am writing this watching my grandson getting married or something. but isnt that truth. so lately, i have become quite indifferent to the fact that i am writing quite explicitly. its not good. honest is never artistic.

so i finally went and attended a wedding. and i want to write so much about it. good times. communication is a recurring theme. its the only way of connecting. and there is so much background to that one moment when you connect to someone else. gives you the feeling of an end. i wish i could be more happy. and i wish i could be ignorant.

there was this movie, i guess in some foreign language and i happen to put it on tv as it was going to end. there is this girl in a school uniform. and she boards a bus. she stands near driver and looks out of glass window. for initial few seconds you think that she is looking at something, maybe on road. but after those few seconds, you realise she is looking at you. and at that precise moment, i knew the movie was going to end.

what else? there are few more things that i want to write about. but i have come to realise that sometimes its best not to express. sometimes, its best to build up on it till its actually the end.

thats quite some line.