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The only Zen you can find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

I came across this quote on Quora and it just made sense. Specially after Rohtang trip. There is no escape but only a chance of acknowledgement.

I have already read Zen and Art of Motorcycle Maintenance once. This quote seems like a good example of something that deserves little attention when you are reading a book.

I don't know how but I have been consciously trying to remember advices given to me by different people.

1) Try to control your sense of humour in front of your manager when things are not going great at office. (2008, it must be?)

2) Don't take it lying down. Give it back to them. (2014)

There was one that I wanted to put at number 3. Just cant remember at the moment.

3) Change is always good. (2011, at the time of switching)

4) It's only a matter of time. (When I told a friend that my decks suck)

5) Self persecution

It has been a fortnight since I moved to a new flat my another colleague.

I don't know how one goes about writing a humiliating experience but I am this close to giving it a try.

It irritated me for a few days. It still does. And I am looking for a resolution, a closure. After a week now, I realize there are no easy resolution. It's more about what kind of stories you choose to tell yourself and steps you want to take to be better prepared for the next time.

I knew it could happen. And it did happen. At least I now know an iota of what it feels to live through your worst fears. It's always exaggerated. Reality has that effect on nightmares.

Posted in: on Sunday, November 16, 2014 at at 7:03 PM 0 comments

Is it just me or mosquitoes in Gurgaon are smarter than mosquitoes in Raipur? It used to be real hard work to get mosquitoes killed in my Gurgaon home. Here at Raipur, they seem to be not caring about their life. Not caring about one's life.. Is that dumbness or enlightenment?

So at least after a couple of years, I have been home for Diwali. It was a good trip. I did make some good decisions. Visited people who matter. I need to be better at articulating my decisions and getting into telling mode than asking mode when really it is my decision to make.

Also I wanted to thank ladies who are kind enough to visit me in my dreams. I am generally an unsatisfied sleeper which is to say that after hours of lying on the bed, I don't feel I have slept at all. It's more like I lose my senses and drop to sleep. Anyways lately I'm very aware of my dreams and whenever I realize that I have been dreaming I kind of feel happy thinking that dreaming means sleeping. So these three nights so far I have dreamt of women. In the very first case it was Britney. In the second case it was a colleague. In the third case it was someone that I can't remember now. Now a question to my large female followers - was writing about these dreams a good idea?

Posted in: on Friday, October 24, 2014 at at 6:23 PM 0 comments

as Indians we want someone else to take care of our problems?

We? Am I really eligible to speak on behalf of a billion people?

I want to take a road that someone has already taken. I want to achieve mediocre goals that some body has already achieved. I want to go out there and achieve slightly better than the average.

I went to Himachal this week. This was first time when I was above 4000 meters from sea level. Height does give you a different perspective. That could explain people taking high roads to mountain for self discovery.

Did I discover myself all over again? Short answer is no.

The road from Manali to Rohtang was really something. In about 50 kilometers, we went up by 2000 meter. The road was narrow and steep and full of fellow travellers. I thought if I ever ran out of ideas for making life interesting, i will learn to drive and try to make it alive to the end of the road.

The driver was a great teacher as well. He never reacted to minor incidents happening on the road. and always kept left. That could be a great way of leading a life - always keeping left.

Food was amazingly non spicy. Most of eating places and guest houses were maintained by a couple of people.

Posted in: on Monday, October 6, 2014 at at 11:10 PM 0 comments

What do I do with those moments of clarity? I wake up and I know what exactly needs to be done. And then I wake up to reality.

Is being scared the defining element of my reality?

What's really scary is that I will cease to have them eventually. And then maybe I will be happy. Happy and a bit of not me.

Anyway, I wanted to write this for Raul. You know I'm swyping it and it came as Raul so Raul it is.

I'm sad that I'm going to lose him. But this post is a bread crumb maybe. And maybe it will help me find him again.

What do I say about him? Sometimes he makes me extremely sad because he reminds me of me.

Sometimes he talks. Actually he talks a lot. Like it will lead him to truth. Or like he will create the truth. Or like it's the only way to kill time.

And does he crib? It makes me worry. It's like he has this super power to see what is not correct. Except that maybe it's not a super power but a weakness.

I wish I could end this at a happy note.

Some day I will try.

Posted in: on Tuesday, September 30, 2014 at at 1:22 AM 0 comments

I was just speaking with a friend about how studious we were in school. This post is going to be about my little accomplishments.

So a long time ago, when I was in class seven, I scored 50 in my math half yearly test. I think that's my best performance.

In class nine, this new math teacher comes with our quarterly assessments and says that only for of us have passed. He then asked that students who felt confident should stand up. Four of us did and four of us actually passed. I never felt more proud of my friends!

Posted in: on Thursday, September 18, 2014 at at 1:59 AM 0 comments

What is maturity? Risk averseness. Thinking about it for more than a day and specifically while bathing I realized that it is not that. It's being good at assessing risk and taking a decision to do it and then not regretting the consequence.

What causes regret? Is it general lack of information while making a decision? Or is it knowing that you knew what needed to be done but you opted for something easier?

What are my deeper regrets? What are my biggest humiliations? What are my deepest fears? They define who i'm because I would never share them with anyone else? Or are they chains that keep me from expressing myself completely?

Where do we go now?

We go towards answers? So many question marks. Enough of them already.

Posted in: on Tuesday, August 26, 2014 at at 1:52 AM 0 comments

How do I summarize the time that I'm living in? What is the setting? I'm 29. Supposedly underpaid. Living with friends. Working in dh. Reasonable work hours. Cooking. Watching House. Game of thrones. Reading Midnight's children. Trying to read history of India. Getting irritated by people. With myself. Singing songs to freak out gals that sit opposite to me. Not talking much to people. Aiming to be kind. Getting disappointed at every realization that I was trying to be smart. Coding. Scripting. Listening to heart beats. Trying to calm down. Trying to be in touch with people. Knowing that it is not possible.

What does that sum up to? Am I happy? Am I at least trying? Is that important? Being happy I mean.

Nieces. Future.

What is going to be my legend?

Posted in: on Thursday, August 7, 2014 at at 11:27 PM 0 comments

imagine a world without cars
no noises, no pollution, no traffic
but that is not it. is it?
why does everything has two sides to it?
no travelling, rather no need of travelling
to a place rather quickly
no roads as well?!
no aeroplanes or trains either?
why is evolution so linear?
no great demand for petroleum oil?
no war?
i think i have taken it too far

is this really hatred to technological advancement
or is it its abuse?
are cars really sick of men too
like agent smith

what do i want?
a closure, that elusive closure..

Posted in: on Sunday, August 3, 2014 at at 7:33 PM 0 comments

Where are the personal posts, you say?!

In the last few weeks, I have been visibly silent in office. Why are you so quite, these days? Asked a friend. I'm practicing silence. Said the I.

To begin with, I'm not very talkative. However, I noticed that these few days, I was kind of not very happy. Happiness, I gathered, is quite dependent on the numbers of words you speak to others. apparently. Few days, I was so very aware of the sinking feeling in my heart. It was never as describable. I could feel it being pushed deep into agony by the weight of the world.

One theme, that I have not been vocal about lately, is ignorance. I am a huge fan of ignorance. It helps me focus. Sometimes, I feel I will be fine if I'm not aware of my unhappiness. But I'm losing my superpower and there is no escaping awareness now. What would Superman do in such cases?

Speaking of superpowers, another superpower that I've lately been aware of, is meeting expectation. I have same affinity towards unmet expectations, as weightless photons towards black holes. I am sure there is name for this medical condition. Good thing is that I'm working on this.

Posted in: on Monday, July 7, 2014 at at 10:00 PM 0 comments

I finally visited a dentist. And I feel indebted to write this post to thank them. Generally, I wouldn't mention their facilities name but I get the feeling that they are new and need all the PR they could. The clinic is MyDentist and it is located in Galleria Market, Gurgaon.

Here is a background story.

About a year ago, I wanted to have my teeth checked and visited a dentist. You know how taxing that exercise is. So the dentist tells me that I have two cavities and does the quick work of fixing it. A week after that, I know the work was not perfect and I can feel that cavities are not entirely filled. Worse, now I have the annoying condition of food getting stuck in my teeth.

I don't visit another dentist for more than a year. You see, my faith in dentists is shaken.

Fast forward to now.

Finally, I understand the fact that my health is my responsibility. So it's an early Friday in dh and I'm in Gallaria at 4 in afternoon. I want to visit an eye clinic first. I go there and get my appointment. Then I decide that while I'm at it, I could as well visit a dentist and as a result of a random Google search land up at MyDentist.

I see the doctor attending patients and calls at reception with dexterity. She is caring and has a personal interest in her patients is my initial thought. She does a quick check up of condition of my teeth and asks me to come tomorrow. I ask her - "what are the chances that it wouldn't get fixed completely even this time" and she replied honestly that there is always a risk but she will do her best. I ask her what would be the cost expecting it to be at top decile as Gallaria in general is expensive. And she says 700 per tooth. That made me happy. I gather she is a smart woman and knows that expenses can still be met if she has enough customers visiting her. And I hope they do.

They are an all women team and they are doing their job with great level of professionalism and integrity. We need more such people in India.

Posted in: on Saturday, June 28, 2014 at at 12:05 PM 0 comments

Queen has become my new favourite film. Kangana is inspirational. Not just in film but the way she seems to have evolved. Doing her own thing. Knowing the secret that nobody knows anything worth knowing. Why not just do what feels right.

However, the trigger for this blog post was this answer on quora:

http://www.quora.com/India/What-is-the-craziest-experience-youve-had-when-a-prospective-groom-bride-had-come-to-see-you-for-the-first-time-before-the-wedding/answer/Parul-Dixit?srid=OuTR&share=1

Not sure if you would have time to go through this answer but it has got like 7.1k upvotes on quora so in all probability it will be worth your time.

We all know how the story ends. I just wandered what impact it would have created if it ended differently. If she refused to answer stupid questions. If she refused to comply. Sure enough even that story would not be difficult to predict. Denial, anger, depression and acceptance - those are four stages of dealing with a tragedy (like lose of a loved one). I can see all of them happening here; but would it be a tragedy?

What impact will it have on a girl who is going to go through the same drill tomorrow? Will she find Parul inspirational and take the jump? Most likely not. But what if that girl negotiated a deal with her understanding family and was allowed to confess to the visiting party that cooking is not the sole goal of her life and she doesn't enjoy it.

What if Parul improvised a bit instead of being completely honest. What if she made up a story where she took a stand?!

That was the point when I realized that lies can be inspirational. So many inspirational stories - how many of them are improvised? How many of them did shape our world?

I started off with Queen. I am singing 'maine honthon se lagayee toh.. hungama ho gaya..' all the time these days. It has that room for shouting out loud that suits me just fine. Of course, literally the lyrics is about a girl who dared to drink. Metaphorically, it is much much more (like everything else. you say?!).

The song has the potential. I am going to sing it every time I challenge a norm. I hope.

Posted in: on Tuesday, June 17, 2014 at at 8:41 PM 0 comments

Does this picture tell a story?

It's early morning of June 01. Taken from my house. Just outside my balcony.

I was watching House MD when I suddenly realized it was drizzling outside. The wind is flirting with tops of trees. They seem to like it.

Its also birthday of my niece who turns 2 today.

I am very aware of my happiness.

Posted in: on Sunday, June 1, 2014 at at 5:41 AM 0 comments

The nature of truth fascinates me.

Nietzsche says ‘There are no facts. Only interpretations.’

Following is a conversation from Cloud Atlas, a movie released in 2012 produced by Wachowski siblings (who also produced Matrix, one of my all-time favourites)

Archivist: On behalf of my Ministry and the future of Unanimity, I want to thank you for the final interview. Remember, this isn't an interrogation or trial. Your version of the truth is all that matters.

Sonmi-451: Truth is singular. Its "versions" are mistruths.

These two statements from Nietzsche and Sonmi-451 contradict each other. Is singularity of Truth its only defining quality?!

We can think about it in terms of examples.

A terrorist could be a freedom fighter.

Insanity could be a different reality. A more real reality, maybe.

Is truth really dependent on the number of people that believe it?

All these examples seem to support what Nietzsche said. But is that it?

Following is a scene from 1992 movie, My Cousin Vinny.

Vinny Gambini: Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right?

[puts his hand on the wall]

Bill: Right.

Vinny Gambini: Let me show you something.

[he holds up a playing card, with the face toward Billy]

Vinny Gambini: He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you.

[turns the card, so that its edge is toward Billy]

Vinny Gambini: When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody - I mean nobody - pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.

I realise that this could not make much sense to someone not having seen the movie already. A quick you tube search gives me this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvSTjvDYUk4

We also have Satyamev Jayate. Only truth prevails. Wouldn’t it be fantastic to have faith in such a philosophy.

Interpretation is dependent on language. When I say “I am writing this blog”, I am already adhering to a convention of communication that assumes so much. What do I mean by “I” or “write” or “blog” can all be contested at philosophical level.

A good conclusion of this writing would be to drive some consistency between these two seemingly opposing perceptions on truth. A way of doing that could be to acknowledge existence of absolute truth and then say that it cannot be perceived or expressed.

Posted in: on Monday, May 12, 2014 at at 4:25 PM 1 comments

office tales

so a friend tells in office to some. 'grass is always greener on the other side'. on our way down, i suggest an improvization. 'there is no grass anywhere'. 'because we smoked it up', adds the third in the party. it takes me a second to realize that 'grass' is a synonym for weed.

in another instance, we come out of the lift. there is a girl in the lift as well from office that sits right across but we have never communicated with her. while entering office, she searches her bag to look for access card. our office have this access gates that you find in delhi metroes. while she searches, we move ahead and i open the gates for my friend to go as even he doesnt have the access card with him. i punch my card again to open the doors and say to her to go ahead. she says thanks. now these doors lead to another door into cafeteria that eventually lead to office desks. while she movea ahead, the friend has already moved ahead and while he waits for me, keeps the door open for the lady to pass. i feel proud of him (he is good 4 yrs junior to me) and girl must have thanked him in most unaudible whisper. while she is about to pass the cafeteria door, she waits for us to pass before her. nice, i felt.

Posted in: on Friday, May 24, 2013 at at 10:29 PM 2 comments

long vacation

this series could have very well saved my life. i was new in delhi. did not have many friends. did not have a parmanent accomodation. it was new years. i watched it all night and felt happy. thanks to mag as well.

in all my ignorance, i cant recall how many times i was on edge and saved by mysterious forces so on the face.. so very invisible. now i think of it..rather try to think of them.. but cant recall when i was very fragile. when..? now but never before.. or always? they always come to your rescue. dont they?! i am talking about s and m i guess.

long vacation in a japanese tele series by the way and was given to me by a friend at a time when i did not even know about it. i guess he just figured that i would need it one day.

a got married. he is just a kid. i hope he has all the happiness. went to hrishikesh and then haridwar. surprisingly pleasant. explored downtown. good beer i must say.

Posted in: on Sunday, April 28, 2013 at at 11:06 PM 1 comments

on being asked about his connection with kolkata gulzar narrats a story followed by an almost not rhetorical question - do u believe a book can change your life? he is still talking about the book guardian from tagore. i took his question quite literally. i knew the answer was yes. all i wanted to figure out now what the book itself. 5 minutes is all it took to figure that it was concepts of physics by h c verma.

on being asked about his relationship with ghalib, he said, that he could talk to any person and talk about things important to the person. ghalib kisi se bhi baat kar sakta tha, aur ushi kee baat karta tha. i said wow. that like the greatest compliment one can pay to the greatest shayar of all time.

i dont quite remember it, but it more or less goes this way -

sharaab mat pee, maszid mein baithkar ghalib.
ghalib kahte hain - woh jagah bata de jahan khuda na ho.

btw, gulzar was interviewed on a program called aaj savere on dd 1 which comes every morning.

Posted in: on Thursday, April 4, 2013 at at 8:51 PM 1 comments

acm update

its been quite some time that i wrote down anything.

this post is dedicated to two people at work actually.

so i was interviewed by ns. he is a lively character. i often tell him that his interview was the reason i joined dh. but then i tell that to everyone who had interviewed me. anyway, i got this award in the all company meeting and in the post party, ns came to me and said 'i am really proud of you.' and i knew he meant it. this post is an excuse to have this event documented. dh is famous for its parties btw. i also remember the christmas party and i had just started to have dinner. ns comes near me and tells me that there are two kinds of people. ' people who dance and people who watch. i have always been a person who dances.' so he drags me with him to the dance floor, seeks attention of a girl i havent ever spoken to and tells her that i have never danced with a girl in my life. ns is of course an old timer and demands alot of respect. girl laughs and starts dancing with me. i crack some joke about how this is most wonderful moment of my life and she laughs. i want to thank her.

the other person that demands special mention is si. si is a fresher ans has just started out on her job. of course at the beginning she didnt have any idea of what she was required to do so a lot of my time went into her onboarding process. anyway she is a sweet girl and we have communicated extensively through emails, oc and phone. yes she is located in a different geographical situation and we have been looking forward to this annual event that brings people from different offices together. sadly, the plans for this year is different and this annual event will happen only for india office in india. but i guess that is for best i guess. the meetings always disappoint.

and my managers also took me out on lunch. that was quite sweet of them. pk joined the team and is working with me and i am glad.

Posted in: on Saturday, March 9, 2013 at at 6:01 PM 2 comments

i just finished watching cricket world cup match between india and west indies and i feel so good that i am writing a post on it.

i started watching it only once i had come from office and when i saw star cricket showing live cricket i got curious. this is womens cricket! i said and started watching.

India had batted first and made 285. quite impressive i said. west indies had batted for 14 overs and had already lost 3 wickets for under 50 runs. aah, we have won already i said.

then i went to loo for 15 minutes. please dont say - 15! minutes. yeah thats normal.

when i was back, miss dottin has just hit niranjana for a four. the commentator mentions that india had scored same score in as much over. what had happened in these 15 minutes i wondered. another boll and another 6. wow. admiration. next ball, niranjana gets miss dottin leg before the wicket. and she celebrated. smiles in the environment but a sense of loss. i wish i could see miss dottin bat some more. for the rest of the match, commentators (and sanjay manjrekar too, i like him better after hearing him in this match and post match presentation) keep mentioning the innings by miss dottin. even i am a fan now. more research on miss dottin will tell you that she has already hit a 100 off 38 balls. and she is just 21. respect miss dottin.

i also have become fans of all woman cricketers after hearing them in post match interviews. sanjay asks wi captain if she would like any change in her bowling side - she smiles and says no. mithali raj is good as well. niranjana is a fan of srishanth. and they all smile.

good job gals. i think i would go to firojshah kotla to watch them.

Posted in: on Thursday, January 31, 2013 at at 10:20 PM 1 comments

new year special

few quick lines before i wrap up the year

what is the summary? who or what is the year dedicated to? my niece wins by a large margin.

life is a great balancing act. i am going to give positivity its importance. everything has positive sides. everything.

and so i was going to say how i have been aware of some bad decisions but then i realize it is a cycle and your opinions change. yes i am going to control how i am going to change.

what are the learnings?

proactivity has a value. things never have same effect if you do it after being reminded of.

take some time. always take your time.

speak clearly. speak to an audience. dont speak to yourself. speak honestly. trust that people are intelligent.

marriages.. how many of them got married already.

Posted in: on Monday, December 31, 2012 at at 8:08 PM 0 comments

poem

a sense of loss
only if i could always be in that constant tension
i would have deviced ways to take off my mind, only unseccessfully, doing great things on the way
hoping that one day, i could have some sense of pride
to tell her that i deserved her
but that will never be
and somewhere i never expected to be accepted
but just be able to tell and have her listen.

Posted in: on Monday, December 24, 2012 at at 10:29 PM 1 comments

This was back in 2006-2007. My sister had this big interview that we
prepared for together. This was about time that i visited many temples
incidently. On each of these visits I asked for only one thing.

There is some background to it. As a child I was very obidient. I still am.
Now that i think about it i could have participated and won in the
competition for most obidient kid. Not that i am proud of it. Its kind of
sad in its own way.

So my father wanted me to light diya every evening before we sat down for
dinner. I would invariably be home in evening light diya. I would also take
a tiny bit of bhaat and dedicate it to diya. MyEnglish fails me.

Effectively I was a worshipper. Then the result of interview came and I
stopped it.

Now the history has a chance to correct itself. I am better prepared.

Naa sukh hai, na dukh hai. Na din hai na dukhi. Bus main hun. Says the
Guide.

Posted in: on Tuesday, November 6, 2012 at at 7:30 PM 1 comments

test

Posted in: on Saturday, November 3, 2012 at at 1:49 PM 0 comments

i believe in miracles.. and a miracle has happened tonight.

i was watching a really engaging movie - the skin i live in. the movie has one of the very shocking revelations i have seen in a movie. pure scare. gives you a benchmark for the depth of darkness a human mind is capable of.

in parallel, i was watching tv. dd 1 to be specific. bharat ki shaan to be very specific.

you see, when you are watching a movie and are involved in it, you always know when something bad is about to happen. it scares the shit out of me. and tv is my exit strategy. it is my connection to the world - kind of one insanity that protects you from another kind.

so i pause right when i know the worst is about to happen in the movie - its my own version of worst and i need a break before i face it.

this is a music talent show loosely copying new version of saregama. but its better. ismail darbaar is still there but toned down. and there is usha uthup. i like her. and i like the host. manoj tiwari. and i like the participants. and i like the songs they sing. and i like the way they sing it.

the show also has an improvement. a true innovation, they select five persons from general public who judge the participants as well. and yes i love that as well. like and love - difference of a degree. or maybe no difference at all.

but that is enough of introduction already.

so i paused.

and the participants come. to sing. its kind of near the end of season. and the round is really tough. the participants are required to sing without music. very nice round indeed.

the boy comes. sings awaarapan, banjaarapan. quite decent i thought. judges from audience are happy. he gets five stars from them. usha uthup is happy as well. the participant is from usha's team so ismail gets to give stars. he is not very impressed. two judges get into an argument. ismail gives three stars. the participant cries.

i dont see my strategy working. is there no escape? i think.

a break comes. i put tv on the mute.

i unpause the movie. and it happens. shit. i smoke. i kind of try to re-evaluate the happenings in the film in view of the new revelation and i shiver.

but there is more to come.

and i pause.

i unmute the television. the girl comes. she sing 'ae maalik tere bande hum'. i kind of imagine the judges as gods as the lyrics flows in the air.

bada kamjor hai aadmi, abhi laakhon hai ismein kami.
par tu joh khada, hai dayaloo badaa. teri kirpaa se dharti thamee.

but the girl is no lata mangeshkar. and ismail is no god. judges from audience give four and usha gives four. i liked usha. the girl takes it with more grace than the boy did. i like the girl as well. happiness is contagious.

i put tv on the mute during the break.

i play the movie. the worst is about to happen. i hope it does not.

the girl goes down stairs. takes the gun. comes up and shoots him. i feel relaxed. the sound of a gunshot wakes up the 'lady' care taker. she takes her gun and comes up to the room, looks at the dead body, trembles and looks for the girl. what will happen? please don't let it be the movie where everyone is dead in the end. and it doesn't. the girl come out from beneath the bed, shoots and kills her. i feel happy.

the girl visits her mother's shop. she and her assistance look old. the girl loved the assistance and tells her her story. i hope that cops dont come now to arrest the girl for her crimes.

the credits roll.

i feel relieved.

i unmute tv. final participant, a boy, comes. sings 'roop tera mastana'. murders it. the judges from audience give one star. manoj thanks the person who voted for the boy and in the way made the show 'classier' than anything i had seen from tv recently.

ismail gives three star. four stars,in total, seal the fate of the boy. eliminated.

final showdown. all the participants are up the stage. so are the judges. and so is manoj. usha starts crying.

manoj says - usha aap veto ka ishtemaal kar sakti hain. usha nodes in denial. manoj says again but now with a conviction that eludes me forever - ushaji, main chahta hun aap veto ka ishtemaal karein. usha looks at ismail. ismail smiles and says 'bilkul, khusi se'.

and that was how the boy was saved.

and that is how i hope you get saved as well.

Posted in: on Tuesday, October 9, 2012 at at 12:35 AM 1 comments

so there are so many things that one can be good at? then why do we not try any of them?

i am not an initiator. i am not a driver. i am not a team player. its difficult to believe that i am still surviving. thats it - i am a survivor. corniest line ever.

indestructible but low form of life. i dont like the example of cockroaches.

but i am thinking now. hopefully i will be an initiator and a driver.

Posted in: on Saturday, September 8, 2012 at at 6:00 PM 1 comments

AUGUST 5? yes. no major epiphanies yet. i actually mistyped 'epiphanies' before and one of the suggested words was phoniness.

anyway, where was i? or more importantly, where am i? you know, the quintessential 'existential' question? do i belong here and if not here than where kinds.

so while i stay at home to nurse my fractured collar bone, i thought i would give this question some more thoughts.

i watched few of the woody allen movies and i must say that i identify with the guy. unsure, pseudo-intellectual and almost pathetic, i am starting to wonder how he managed to move on. inspirational stuff.

one of the short term goals would be to chase after material success. money, i meant. and comfort. one of the drivers is to see if over indulgence finally wears it off.

the way to the goal - i need to be good at communication. stop seeing it as a way of tricking people into believing that you are saying something important and see it as a major tool like sas that can be used at different level of expertise and should be perfected even if there is no reason for doing it. but i do see alot many usage of it - it will help me set expectations correctly, it will make my unwillingness to communicate proactively barely feasible and on the way i could analyze my weaknesses and bask in the contradictory glory.

whats the matter with my communication in addition to my unwillingness to accept its importance -

balance, i need to appreciate the balance, like getting the amount of salt correctly in a dish. i have a content that i want to share, but i don't want to memorize it all because then i am not participating in the conversation as the sudden objective become to be done with the conversation in a single breath.
but i should have an organization of thoughts, major bullet points that i want covered.

now the one hand i am using to type it is in pain and i want to finish it now.

some finer points were - pauses, emphasis, repetitiveness, summarization, to the point.

Posted in: on Thursday, August 16, 2012 at at 11:44 PM 1 comments