i think that i should write more frequently. before i forget things.

anyway, i have random, scary and very real dreams almost every night now. so i had this dream where i guess i was drowning and i was trying desperately to stay afloat. someone is trying to pull me down by my legs. i am shit scared and i give a sharp kick to get my leg free. next thing i know i am wide awake, in pain most probably with an injured toe as i have hit the wall next to my bed in full force.

and i was still scared. the pain will go i knew. but this feeling that i am losing my sense of reality was overwhelming. so this is how people go insane i thought.

work related update - i am moving to a new team. i am not very hands on. and i am still not very sure what i want to do for rest of my life. i am taking sas training (as a trainer) by the way. i took it so to get a change in work life. but even that becomes frustrating. i know i can be a great teacher if i am little more patient. and i am very patient. but somewhere carelessness has another level of effect on me. anyway, i think the thing we remember most about our teachers is not the depth of knowledge that they had, but how patient they were with us.

the thing that upsets me most is that i was upset in the class. it is kind of an infinite loop situation where i really dont want to go to prove my smartassedness. age has that effect on people.

and i am 26. at times i think i dont have an objective in my life. then few things here and there and i am already contemplating suicide (btw i have decided not to be philosophical about death) and then i think why not take that jump to do the absolute impossible without any fear of risk if i am willing to risk my life uselessly. this para, i think i shouldnt have written.