I don’t know whether I should write down tiny winy details of it..especially if I am not sure if I want to remember them. Or maybe I do. The idea is to ignore it till it fades away. But there will always be this feeling of loss. (I know. I miss the days when I used to write for the sake of it. )

I was going through some of the older posts. She is there everywhere. (denial is a proof.. but acknowledgement is worse!)

It must have been the day I realized she was not one of the kids. Shit. It was May, I guess. For a good part of 2010.

Then those eyes.. who kya cheez thi, mila ke nazar pila dee.

And the smile.. powerful enough to force me to write this. Reminds me of the earlier times. Good times.

She so rocks my world.

Additional points –
1) About a week now since I have quit smoking. Let there be bigger occasions.
2) I have wanted to write so much about sanjeev, tapan and anna. They are my brothers. Especially numerous trips that we have made in past one year. Munnar, Hogekennal, Pondicherry. Many late night drives with sanjeev. Daaru parties. Discussions. Fundes. Poker. Cricket.
3) And you.

'well.. when i was a kid, in one of those 'moral lessons' book, i read that try correcting five things that you found were not right every day. i took it rather seriously.'
'so every single day?'
'for the first six months. i thought i had fixed everything.'
'and now?'
'i can invariably identify when something is going wrong.'
'and i get this urge to fix it. but now i have more control.'
'must have been very difficult?'
'yes.. it was. but mainly because i lacked maturity. somethings can not be fixed in one day. some things will go worse if you try fixing them. some things can not be fixed. and its such a difficult task correctly identifying what belongs to which category. initially it was fun. i was a kid. and the wrongness was so well defined.'

i hope this could be a post that i am writing just for the heck of it. but as i keep on saying..those days are gone. and i should accept it. being aware is the only option.

so.. whats up with me? i guess i need to work hard. like work really hard. and prove a point to myself.

and i need to try to be more grateful and generally happy. may be these are the best years.

and i need some perspective. i have developed this ability where i am not actually listening. i should listen.

and i should in general not try to please any one. i am not good at it at all.