this is post number 197. i think i will write a couple before end of this month and make it 200.

so what is happening in my life? i am in that phase of my life again. but it is so different in so many ways.

there are times when things are absolutely clear but then we try to get more clarity and things are suddenly blurred. its like adjusting a camera lens.

i drove my friends motorcycle for about 2 months i guess when he was not here. i dont have a license and i know i should get one. there was one particular instance when i got held up by police and was asked to show my papers etc. after about ten minutes, i had to give them 500 bucks cause i did not have hundreds. i remember asking one of them if he had change.

for earlier part, it was so bloody dangerously exciting. and there were close encounters as well. yeah, and i drew some parallels as i so often do now a days. being always under control or anticipating moves or breakers. yeah, driving can teach you a lot.

i keep on getting signals that i need to be better at organization and communication. aah, there was a time when i thought that as i get more polished externally i will lose the rawness that can make me great. i don't feel that that often now. i think i have already lost it.

and i was talking to a friend about how we should use analytics in solving bangalore's traffic problem. and i realised that i would love to do my further studies in this field. i need to follow this much awaited lead.

so there are these gals in my previous team i want to write about. i am only too aware that the post will only try to capture unsuccessfully how strongly i have felt about them. but i think it will be better than forgetting about it completely.

i have spoken quite a few times about my fascination with phrases. particularly about 'sense of duty.'

so there is this girl who has established quite a standard with her sense of duty. amazing she is. as all of them are. but she is a personal favorite.

i have moved to a different team and i don't get to interact with them quite often. but i ask them at times to join me for a snack break once in while. i don't usually prefer asking people for joining me for any kind of break. but there company i truly enjoy and i am sure they enjoy mine as well. but i have to be careful in asking them to join me because most likely they will join me even if they had other important things on their mind - i feel and have always felt a sense of responsibility when i interact with them. i am far from political correctness and they are well aware of it as well. but there are times when i am very tensed. and it shows. terrible mood swings that i have - as R1 pointed out in one of our snack breaks. she is specially concerned for me i guess. yeah so she said that i usually have terrible mood swings. she casually added that i should have noticed that the team did not bother me much when i was in a 'bad' mood and i said instantly 'was that because of you?'. and now when i think i am sure of it.

i hope that any of the above written text does not make any sense. to anybody else because it perfectly does. to me.

her parents should be so proud of her. she is like the perfect kid. you know how you always feel that 'familiarity breeds contempt'? and that basically stops you from attempting to know more about another person that you hold in very high regard - in due course of time i have come to know few things about her and it has just made me a bigger fan and a better person maybe. there are far more memories and i think I will write them down. and may be I will not post this entry. or may be i will.

when i joined the team, it was not on a good note. i had tried quitting the company and i was stupid as i am now. anyway, i went through this phase where i analysed myself as a person and established that i was a coward. but before that i was in a mode where i thought that i was doing everybody a great deal of favor by staying here. yeah, that feeling..

Anyway, i am not much of an interaction guy, and now when i look back i have a real hard time figuring out when exactly we clicked. i remember few specific instances. one, where she said that they(the kids) will not be afraid of me just because i was shouting on top of my voice. and that was when i realized that my way of talking actually bordered to shouting and then i took sometime in explaining how that was my natural way of speaking. and they completely got me. seriously now that i look back i cannot even recall who these kids were before these specific instances. i was generally mad at myself and i was so much into coding. that was best phase of my professional career i guess.

there was another instance where she had one chocolate and i wanted her to give it to me. instead she gave it to someone else. and i got mad. then went out and when i came back she had saved a very small portion of the chocolate. and i took it happily. i mentioned this because given that she didn't give me the chocolate at that time and having known her since then i am sure she didn't give it to me because she didn't like me. another point about her - she is very selective about her friends.

then there was a phase when she was my 'go-to' girl whenever i wanted to have something done. I always had a feeling that she wouldn't disappoint me and she never did. so if it was to follow-up with IT to restart a remote machine or getting a thali for lunch, she was always there. once i realized this i couldn't ask for anything unnecessary - even as a joke.

and then there was a phase when a friend and the lead of the team was asked to leave the team. that was some time. i felt so let down by the team. every day i would contemplate leaving the team or the company. i just couldn't understand. i still can't understand. but i think it's OK. maybe i will ask her but mostly i wont.

And then there was a phase when she had almost left the company. hehe.

And then there is this phase where all i am is thankful. to have known her.

i think that i should write more frequently. before i forget things.

anyway, i have random, scary and very real dreams almost every night now. so i had this dream where i guess i was drowning and i was trying desperately to stay afloat. someone is trying to pull me down by my legs. i am shit scared and i give a sharp kick to get my leg free. next thing i know i am wide awake, in pain most probably with an injured toe as i have hit the wall next to my bed in full force.

and i was still scared. the pain will go i knew. but this feeling that i am losing my sense of reality was overwhelming. so this is how people go insane i thought.

work related update - i am moving to a new team. i am not very hands on. and i am still not very sure what i want to do for rest of my life. i am taking sas training (as a trainer) by the way. i took it so to get a change in work life. but even that becomes frustrating. i know i can be a great teacher if i am little more patient. and i am very patient. but somewhere carelessness has another level of effect on me. anyway, i think the thing we remember most about our teachers is not the depth of knowledge that they had, but how patient they were with us.

the thing that upsets me most is that i was upset in the class. it is kind of an infinite loop situation where i really dont want to go to prove my smartassedness. age has that effect on people.

and i am 26. at times i think i dont have an objective in my life. then few things here and there and i am already contemplating suicide (btw i have decided not to be philosophical about death) and then i think why not take that jump to do the absolute impossible without any fear of risk if i am willing to risk my life uselessly. this para, i think i shouldnt have written.

So continuing on my fascination with words. Today’s word of the day is ‘sustenance’. You know you are old when you start talking about sustenance. Seriously. It’s more related to survival. And giving in I guess. Succumbing to your circumstances. But somewhere it is maturity as well. Well let’s not go around in circle. Where is the circle?

Yeah, so working late everyday is not sustainable. Being frustrated is not sustainable. Smoking all day empty stomach is not sustainable. Being angry is not sustainable. Enough of examples already. I want to move to that phase now where I have mediocre, thermodynamically feasible goals. After so many days, I think I am finally in mood of sounding funny.

I am sitting little far from my team now. I think that has definitely reduced the stress level. Seriously, you think few things are nonsense and they work as a charm. Duriyaan hain jaroori.

Also, I was talking to chaure who is in London by the way. First one of us to have flown abroad. So he called me. I mentioned that he was the first one to fly abroad. He said ‘sorry dost. Tumse pahle chala aaya’ in not very sarcastic tone. And I said ‘its ok. I am..’ and I stopped after ‘am’ and he said that ‘kyun ruk gaye dost? I am proud kahne wale the kya?’. And yes that was what I wanted to say.

Seriously, chaure is mind-blowing.

seems like a long time. also seems like few of my posts are deleted - the feeling that the posts at the top were written ages ago.

anyway, where was i? so she left the company. i wanted to ask her to join me for lunch or whatever. but i think i did well to not complicate things and having left her alone.

i have talked just about her in the blog i guess. expect for one off instances.

i want to talk about others. i am going through a different phase i guess. there is one who is married and is the closest to royalty.

and i am beginning my second inning as a full time project manager. i know i will forget about sas. but i have felt what it means to know that you are the best on one of the fields. and that feeling is awesome.

I have to get done with this in 15 minutes. In fact I think I should complete it in 5 minutes.

This is my kind of start to a post.

Anyway, like it has been for past few posts, even this post will be loaded with heavy dose of philosophy. Anyway, where was I? I am listening to Romeo and Juliet. Isn’t it just wonderful?

There was a phase when I was fascinated with phrases. There is this phase now when I am fascinated by words. Is that part of evolution? What is evolution by the way? More importantly how do we differentiate between evolution and degradation. Anyway, this will be material for another post. Now is the time to talk about words.

But before that I have had some phrases borrowed from our SVP and I would like to remember them. In one of the training meeting – he elaborated on what is meant by ‘comfortable under your skin’. Will you be comfortable under your skin – if you are naked? – he added.

He also talked about how ‘truth should not come in the way of expressing it’. I think I didn’t hear it properly and I improvised.

Coming back to words – ‘consistency’ is another word that I am fascinated with recently. Most of our behavioral patterns are explainable when we look for consistency. People have related consistency of your treatment of other people with your idea of justice. Prejudiced, are we?

‘Admiration’ I have talked about before.

Here goes the beep. And here go I.

i am reading a lot on 'quality' lately. you know, like, we all want to be good, but what exactly is 'good'? is it relative or is there an absolute 'good'? this all started when i completed reading zen and art of motorcycle maintenance. i did not understand it completely but still there is someone who thought about this question and took the trouble of writing a book that was rejected by 20 publishers. i can only guess the reason for rejection.

anyway, i just completed reading another book, lila, by the same author. here he talks about morality. as the author even i think there is a direct connection between quality and morality. morality, the guiding force of a society thrives (should thrive) to preserve what is good.

anyway, i get 'what are you always thinking?' a lot from many people lately. i don't take it as a compliment anymore.

i had some more thoughts on communication. the need of it. and how it should never be undervalued. there are two parts to it if you undervalue it. one, you think you have something to say that nobody can understand. a misplaced sense of superiority. two, you just lack that drive to connect to another human being. only real time experience can correct your theoretical knowledge you picked from all those books. plus what else is exciting in life except for those moments when you connect. human existence will always need validation.

amongst all this philosophical thinking about quality and life, i hope i dont take myself too seriously. i tend to do that very often. one of the reasons i get very impatient lately.

and i wanted to write about you. i know you have asked me to write about you before. every time i think that i have you figured, you have me shaken up. you think that you are the mature one between us - which is exactly what i think about myself.

its been some time since i have been thinking about the human need to communicate. you know i have always been told that i needed to improve my communication. yeah, in those one-on-ones, where it is mandatory to always tell people improvements area. i can appreciate it more now that i am on other side of table. yeah i am almost a manager now. hehe. (that is one joke that i have cracked in a long time!)

anyway, coming back to point. communication. earlier i thought that it was because of 'that' lag when i tried talking in english. but my written english is quite good as you all have already witnessed by now. (thats two in a row. and btw this does not disprove the hypothesis.)

but lately, i have discovered multiple layers of communication and it all comes down to trust i guess. trust that the person will be able to understand what you want to say. and its a thin line. quite often it leads to presumption. that the person already understands that you want to say. otherwise, that the person will never understand what you want to say. and there is 'lost in translation' shit that i have talked about earlier.

anyway, the point is that i have stopped caring so much about my bad communication skill mainly because my lack of faith in people. and that is not good.

in a side news, i was talking to chaure today and he told me about this dream that he has had. he went to a girls place. then the girl insisted that he teaches him some subject. something happened as he was teaching her and they started kissing. french kissing to be specific. and it was all too confusing to him. he thought that he was having a dream within the dream when he kissed the girl. sarafat ki imtihaan ho gayee. i told him that he will have to go to level 4 if the dream involved a sequence with more than kissing in it.

i also wanted to talk about nature of admiration. how it can bond people when the center of admiration for them is the same person. and how it can create friction if two persons are competing for same admiration. its funny at times.

Today, I was extremely sad. The whole day. I could not go home. Everyone called and told me that they missed me. Work Sux big time. I feel like quitting it all. I know for sure that it is not worth it at all.

then i thot. and i realized that i will never be happy again. i was watching 'Touch' and i knew that i will never be able to sit on a bench in front of a garden and be happy knowing that I exist. Its been so long that I connected with a fellow human being. Most of the time i am in front of my laptop. Rest of the time in front of TV. Rest of the time mobile. Rest of the time I am trying to sleep. Rest of the time I am trying to read.

my list of resolution, mostly quit -
1. smoking
2. watching tv
3. late night work hours
4. watching porn
5. self persecution

do -
1. breath
2. talk
3. just know that you are not a president running a country

There is so much going on in life. Sometimes I feel I am making it a way bigger deal than it actually is. Anyway, its all part of the learning.

Again, I am thinking whether to give context or not. If you provide enough context almost everything can be justified. And that I think is not good. I have never appreciated both sides of the coin better.

I was going through my blog recently. And I thought that it was quite a blog. And then I thought what happens if I lose it. I searched for how to take back-up of a blog. Anyway, the whole thing sounds stupid. (Cos I could save them in my email..but then I will have to take back up of my emails and so on..)

And I am again working crazy hours now. But this time, I am quite uneasy. Every minute I think if I should quit it all. I never though that recent incidences will have this much effect on me. For my own sake, I think I should write some more.


I just thought for whole 60 seconds and I think I will be bored to death if I wrote it all.

Anyway, I am going through this mood changes in office lately. I don't like it. I should not do that anymore. It gives me a feeling of fakeness. Both ways. If I am playing serious, I always think that the attention seeker in me is doing it. But if I am not serious, then I am basically not being me.

This blog post sucks. When I started writing this, I thought I will get fan emails from all over the world. Not happening anymore.

Human race has come a long way. So much has gone into establishing the systems, it will be hard to think that there was a time they did not exist. Governments, traffic systems, corporates! Who could think all this?! The world will end soon. Human race is the most logical weapon to take on such a mammoth task.

I love philosophy. I think that would play a big part in me deciding which of the millions of girls out there I marry. Yeah, I think I will marry. Or may be not.

Aah. Its been long that I went to theater to watch a movie. I think I should go.

I don’t know whether I should write down tiny winy details of it..especially if I am not sure if I want to remember them. Or maybe I do. The idea is to ignore it till it fades away. But there will always be this feeling of loss. (I know. I miss the days when I used to write for the sake of it. )

I was going through some of the older posts. She is there everywhere. (denial is a proof.. but acknowledgement is worse!)

It must have been the day I realized she was not one of the kids. Shit. It was May, I guess. For a good part of 2010.

Then those eyes.. who kya cheez thi, mila ke nazar pila dee.

And the smile.. powerful enough to force me to write this. Reminds me of the earlier times. Good times.

She so rocks my world.

Additional points –
1) About a week now since I have quit smoking. Let there be bigger occasions.
2) I have wanted to write so much about sanjeev, tapan and anna. They are my brothers. Especially numerous trips that we have made in past one year. Munnar, Hogekennal, Pondicherry. Many late night drives with sanjeev. Daaru parties. Discussions. Fundes. Poker. Cricket.
3) And you.

'well.. when i was a kid, in one of those 'moral lessons' book, i read that try correcting five things that you found were not right every day. i took it rather seriously.'
'so every single day?'
'for the first six months. i thought i had fixed everything.'
'and now?'
'i can invariably identify when something is going wrong.'
'and i get this urge to fix it. but now i have more control.'
'must have been very difficult?'
'yes.. it was. but mainly because i lacked maturity. somethings can not be fixed in one day. some things will go worse if you try fixing them. some things can not be fixed. and its such a difficult task correctly identifying what belongs to which category. initially it was fun. i was a kid. and the wrongness was so well defined.'

i hope this could be a post that i am writing just for the heck of it. but as i keep on saying..those days are gone. and i should accept it. being aware is the only option.

so.. whats up with me? i guess i need to work hard. like work really hard. and prove a point to myself.

and i need to try to be more grateful and generally happy. may be these are the best years.

and i need some perspective. i have developed this ability where i am not actually listening. i should listen.

and i should in general not try to please any one. i am not good at it at all.