All this time I have wanted to write so much.

day before yesterday i talked with chepta. and its such a pleasure talking to him. and right before, i had ordered one plate roti, which means two roties. i asked the man at counter if it was possible to get just one roti. he said no.

anyway, i took both the roties. and the biggest advantage of talking with chepta was that i was able to eat both of roties while talking with him.

anyway. why am i writing this post. that sometimes you have got to acknowledge that how lucky you are to have known few people. and then you suddenly come to realize that these are the only few that you will have for the rest of life.

anyway, i sud not try to be too philosophical.

so, he has got a new job. hopefully a job that he deserves.

and his interviews went well. and i knew that. he is such a good story teller. i mean he will make sure that you know and understand everything that he wanted to tell you.

ok i am not the guy who starts praising someone out of the blue and stops after 10 lines. i will write at least 100.

i read his testimonial on orkut. and cudnt agree more with it. he is the best you have got if you ever want to book a ticket. thanks man for all the tickets you have booked for me. shit man. now i am starting to get that feeling that you get when you start talking about someone who is too big for your own vocabulary and you fear that you have disappointed everyone and it would have been a lot better if you had just said that 'he is great'. but i will write more.

he has got the purest of hearts. and i am just not saying that. may be he is the one who has helped me understand that hearts could be pure at different levels and what can possibly define 'purest'.

and i also have my own analysis on why he doesnt have a girlfriend. unlike us 'losers', he is a real loser. he has had multiple shots at having girlfriends, but the loser lost the opportunities intentionally. fear of commitment, may be. how can you be so sure? and that is one question, i dont think many people ask right? most probably, like the idiots even he thinks that the first person he accepts as his girlfriend will be the final one. And seriously, wouldnt that girl be lucky? to be with someone who gives some crap. anyway, i think he is too scared to be involved with someone, most probably because he knows that his family has already got plans for him.

way to go donst!

the one thing that you don't want to happen when you live alone in a lousy little 1BHK house is fall sick.

eating is the biggest problem. seriously. and its not particular to the sick-time. generally. why do i have to go and eat my lunch and dinner in same lousy place everyday???!

i am sick of everything. tired. of everything.

And getting an auto is as challenging as everyday. and i am sick of that as well.

speaking of autowallahs, here is a perfect example of stereotypes -
"saare autowale saale mad****** hote hain."

But there are facts as well -
"saare bangalore ke autowale saale mad****** hote hain."

i hate using *s in my posts. god make me more strong next time.

and i know that i sud have been smarter and put these example at the very last. no.
but i want to write more.

the only saving grace is fakeiplplayer's blog. i wont comment on the content of the blog as i find it quite ordinary and i can write funnier posts anyday. but seriously. i had a gala time going through the comments. each one of them using such nice words. aah. it was a treat. and i know that deep inside you want to go thru the experience. go right ahead. you deserve to be happy.

and talking about happiness. how many times have you said that you are happy?? and how many times have you continued to feel happy after realising that you are happy?? i know. a killer question. blessed are those who dont know that they are happy.

and all my life i have believed that people are generally idiots in an unacknowledged way. but now i think that life is such a great teacher that all idiots are here by choice. ok take a moment here - go back to the previous statement - and admire it.

ok, now if you have somehow managed to comeout of the infinite loop then you are surely too smart, huh???

its 9:30. the time to go out and eat. shit man. i hate my life. and i am thinking about deleting the last line already. but then the "now" last line will not make sense. CRAP!

anyone could be an asshole. what makes me different is that i can afford being one.

i would like to say that. once.

anyway, i am thinking alot about becoming a full time writer. i am quite impressed by my writings, you see. just wanted to write it here because after about 10 years when i vaguely recall my incomplete life, my aspirations long lost, my choices so wrongly made - i would like to remind myself that i did want to do something. and maybe then, i will quit my job, go to kerala backwaters alone, take the family to vaishnav devi and start over my life again.

yeah. i think i am an idealist. and i pretend to be cynical. first time i read about communism, i found it fascinating. but then it failed. and when i read about the reasons why it failed, i was convinced that it could never have worked. And sometimes i feel how little i know about my country. and then i feel like reading it all and may be appearing for IAS.

anyway, i think i have lost something. i am not writing those random posts anymore which started from "so" and ended at "gotta pee". sad. its like if i dont have anything to write about i would not say that out loud. i would just go away.

mere dil ki suno duniya walon.
yaa mujhko abhi chup rahne doh.
main gam ko khusi kaise kah dun.
joh kahte hain unko kahne doh.

this is the song that i sang when i heard the news that i was promoted. yeah. i am promoted.

anyway, you work hard. you invest your soul and mind. and i am not talking about office- office. i am talking about life in general. you want to be just. most of the time you manage to be just. you try not to complain. you come to know that life is not fair. and there are shortcuts. but still you want to be the guy who doesnt bend or compromise. (who is this "you" guy, btw??!)

but then you give in. you give in to the temptation of being the object of sympathy. being the guy that has been wronged. seeking recognition of the wonderful you who never complained.

hehe. but that shows weakness. and you are not weak. and you dont want to come out as weak! so you push yourself. and you feel good.

but then again, you are not alone in world. you see others doing better than you. and you clearly see the reasons why they are doing better than you. 'that's unfair' you say. first to yourself. than you try hard not to say that to anyone else.

but telling yourself that 'that's unfair' shows weakness too. but 'that's SO bloody unfair!' you say again anyway. hoping that this will be the last time.

and it continues. the only end that you see, is death. and you wait for it eagerly. but that is 'giving in' again. its not just about death anymore. its you against the world. you like the competition.

the only way out is to concur it. you want to be powerful now. but power comes with a price. you know it. and you feel good that whether others failed to wield the sword of power without compromising, you will come out just fine. uncorrupted and uncompromising as ever. but then the world does not give the best deal to the most deserving candidate. 'why not?!' you ask. you think you can change the rules of the game. once you have the power, that is. so you start playing the game by its rule. and that keeps you busy. you like it.

but you dont want to lose the perspective. you keep reminding yourself that this is a game. and your mission is to change the rules.

and you play it. only to realise that the world is big. and you are not a superman. 'why not?!' you say again. you say that you can be the superman. and you persist.

you definitely witness early successes. beginners luck?! no, not in your case. as you climb up the ladder, you see yourself surrounded by people, who are seeking the same thing. only that they are not 'you'. you know that you are better than them. you wonder if all of them are actually like you. wronged by this unjust world! you get disgusted by this feeling of weakness- being sympathetic to the enemy. you can not leave this to chance. the most powerful man has to be you. only you can resist the corruption that power induces on human nature.

you come to think of this as a vicious cycle. you realise that you were not the only one who took it to himself the responsibility of making this world a better place. you first get disgusted by looking at the fellow miserable man who thought that he could change the world. you wonder if that fellow miserable man thinks the same about you.

then you also realise that this is not the only time that someone has tried to concur the world. you look at the people who are more powerful than you are. you rate them as you go smartly drop out those you are there just by chance.

when you started you had a clear goal. you wanted to be most powerful. now you start wondering if there is one in this world. every time you locate one, there is always some one else challenging his authority.

well, its a good game.