You and I

S: Are you prepared to handle some randomness from me?

U: Ok

(Two minutes pass)

S: I want to go watch a movie with you. What do you think?

U: Did you not say that you did not like watching movies?

S: Yup but I think the experience depends on the company. I think you will be a great company.

U: I think you are overestimating quality of my company. Even I don't enjoy movies so much now but I am open to the idea of going to one in a group.

S: Ok. I asked because I had to ask. Thank you so much for handling it so kindly!


Just like that the pressure was taken off and I felt happy.


Later, V asked me how my day was and I couldn't help confessing that it was good. Isn't it scary how dependent we are on external factors for our happiness?


I watched a Ted talk (How to stop screwing yourself over | Mel Robbins | TEDxSF) where the speaker asks the audience what exactly it wants for itself (not what other wanted them to want). You have about 5 seconds to take action towards getting what you want otherwise you will talk yourself into how you really don't want/need it.


I asked myself what I wanted and there was a moment of clarity. I wanted to ask U if she wanted to go watch a movie. This sounds so juvenile. At the same time, it became so important that I physically responded to it. There was an increase in my heart rate and everything else dissolved into background. It was very annoying.


That is when I pinged her. She was working from home so I could not talk about it in person. Maybe, it was for better because it allowed me some time to phrase my request in a better way. I knew that it was not important whether she agreed or rejected the request. I was overly concerned if it would be weird and come in our day to day interactions. At the end of it, I was impressed with the way she had come up with an option between yes and no and avoided the situation.


I remember my discussion with M about "responding to a situation" against "reacting to it." The interaction that I had with U is an example of her responding to a situation. It is always impressive.


U just changed her team. It was a right move and we let her go. Her move was so abrupt – we come in one fine Monday to find that her desk has been moved to new team. Now S seemed to sit on my left and U on left. S and I have had our share of differences and he decided to move his desk. He said that he was doing it because the seat he was moving to was a premium one but somewhere I realise that I had something to do with it for sure. So I don't have anybody sitting on my left now I did not have anyone on right. "I am suddenly feeling very alone," I told U.


I had a session with her to give me feedback on her experience working with me. What did she say? I am helpful. I think that was the only positive thing she had to say about me. I was expecting to hear "absolutely brilliant with problem solving." That was disappointing. On improvement side, I needed to work on my mood swings and general state of well-being. I need to be happy. On communication side, I need to work on my facial expressions. Fair enough.


When I got promoted, N and U2 took me to lunch. I don't know why but I still remember that lunch given the general high level of forgetfulness I show. It was very personal and we had a good time. In the same spirit, I wanted to take U out on lunch before she switched her team. We have been planning it for months now and I believe that it will not happen. It is as if she is actively avoiding it. Maybe she is aware of my hidden motives here.


This behaviour of postponing things indefinitely is part of her charm. Or maybe it is flawed part of her personality. This behaviour has been demonstrated in multiple occasions where she starts off with passion but fails to take the task to completion. The project that she was working on and struggled to complete was boring so I cannot blame her there. However, there is this instance of taking a group photograph, making a video, putting things on auction, where things just did not end with a bang. The amount of labour she puts in is monumental, only to be contrasted by relative lack of impact. "Work is force into displacement," I told her as someone had told me once.