S and I entered in the elevator and continued our conversation, I said, "It's been so long. It seems absurd." "What is absurd?," he asked logically. "Us living for so long."
For a bit, I was impressed with the promptness of my response. Generally, after making such quick - apparently smart - remarks, I find myself questioning their validity and end up feeling stupid. Not this time. Really, 30 years. That is a lot of time.
Later in the day, a friend and colleague asked me a question about a solution (more like a product that helps you optimize promotions in a store). This solution is so overly and unnecessarily complex; and it has taken (sorry wasted) so much of my time that the thought of getting involved with it brings me down like nothing else. Anyway, I empathized with this poor fellow who has to deal with it now and so said I will look into it. After few minutes of result-less investigation, I felt very depressed and gave up. Later, I jokingly sent him a message on how the exercise made me suicidal. I really didn't know spelling of suicide back then so I searched for it in google and was impressed to find a helpline number thrown at me.
I told about this to a friend and he asked me why I was searching for it and later announced to the team about it. I found it very annoying.
I have become increasingly aware of negativity in my relationships - when someone is trying to push me, or take me to a guilt trip. For a couple of days, there was limited attendance in the team and I was surprised to observe how liberating that felt.
Now, I am managing this girl, U. She seems to have the talent but is not delivering to it yet. A certain Rohit Sharma comes to mind. Well, I am trying to be the best manager here and so I experiment. She is new to the in-house technologies and she labours to make them work. She approaches me and I solve it in seconds. Literally. It surprises me at time. It also make me realize how good I am with this stuff.
I thought she would be impressed too. But now I think it otherwise. Maybe it annoys her. Maybe, I am not able to contain my smugness. But I am rarely smug. I am rarely proud of my work. There is this tension between us at times and I don't like it. She really is full of energy and positivity and I often wonder if I am the source of this tension. The way I get negatively influenced by others in the team; am I influencing her negatively?
And there is more to it. She asked me to help her with something and I managed to say to her (after of course promptly fixing the issue) - "that is very basic, U. you should take that as a personal insult." I mean who says things like that?! With all my commitment to kindness, I still said that.
She did take it personally. I am trying to bring the situation to normal.
This whole episode made me think. During my time in MS, I had people reporting to me who really respected me. Here in dh, I have repeatedly got signals that people are not really crazy about working with me. There are a number of factors that could explain it.
I don't want to go into self persecuting mode (How true you were, M?!) but people don't exactly fall in love with me right after meeting me. I also have the fear of over coaching and that could very well be limiting our interactions. I also have this absurd idea of people responding positively to challenges.
There are people of different kinds. Yet, we all so want to praised and respected. That seems to be the key factor. People feel that I don't appreciate them. It is an area where I do need to work. From a technical point of view, I always see gaps in the way something has been done. I look at them from far above. This realization is interesting because I also said in the same post that I am not proud of my work. Either I am one ignorant bloke or I have contempt for everyone else's work. This last sentence gives me clarity even though it is intentionally ambiguous.
I also pondered over the idea of being in love with her. I mean she is intelligent, independent, beautiful and kind. And who doesn't like the idea of exploring associated emotions and behaviours that come with love?! Does she think good of me? Am I invading her space? Is it right to for me to be thinking about her like this? Is it right to be writing about it?
A wise man on television once said that if you want to get over a woman, turn her into literature. What does that imply?
There is a thin line
But with no sign
We'd try to transform it into a spline
and that could buy us some extra time
For what is love if we don't test its soul
Eternal love is no love at all
Only great highs can yield great falls
In another world and another time, I would be that superman guy
I hope I can learn to walk. I don't mind if I cant fly.
Thank you RhymeZone.com
Posted in: on Sunday, July 19, 2015 at at 8:38 PM