curious case of s - part 1

Here is an example of how your priorities change as you grow up. In this television program (I think Dance +), we have Katrina Kaif as the celebrity guest. We also have a young host; and Remo as the judge. At different points in the program, these two gentlemen will get to dance with Katrina. The host shows his acrobatic moves while Remo does Salsa. One tries to impress and other focuses on having a good time with a beautiful woman. I think both have made right choices.

How does one go about making choices, you ask?

Here is an interesting case of S (which is short form for an ass, I think).

In Early May,  3 months before his annual appraisal, S gets an offer to work for another company. The offer is not very lucrative in the beginning and S decides to decline it. Once he declines it, he has to face the wrath of career consultants R and S1 and they blame S of being very unprofessional. They want S to not decline but negotiate his salary. S knows that it could be a trap and seeks some time to make up his mind.

There are few factors that tend to drive S's decisions. First of all, S has an inherent urge to say yes to everything that is offered to him. Secondly, he thinks that work is valueless (not good or bad) so he is not very selective of the kind of work that he wants to do. Thirdly, he understands importance of timing of job hopping - if he changes to the new job right after his revised salary, that would be perfect.

In his last choice of career opportunity, S had not consulted many people and this time around he wants to seek advice from those he trusts. 

A is categorical in his suggestion of not joining this firm. He says that you don't want to join a service based organization that goes through pressures of meeting client expectations - he quotes multiple examples of how there has never been anyone who joins a service company so ahead in his career. Even within delivery focused organization, the concerned organization is not a well reputed brand and it will most likely dilute S's brand. Also growth of this organization has been stagnant for last couple of years. A asks S what will be his reasons for joining this organization and S struggles to list any good ones - "I really liked the interview," he said. He really did.

S also spoke to R. He stressed the point that S needed a change. S has inertia towards change but change is necessary. Change is not good or bad; it is different. "In a leadership position, you would have the scope of making things, as you would want them to and if you don't like it, you can always change." He suggests that S ask for a fat salary and then take it from there.

S also discusses this with his manager P and regrets it later deeply. Never, do that.

S somehow realizes that he would not get a major salary revision if he leaves before his appraisal. So he finally chooses to not take it forward and gives this as the very reason for rejection. S talks to the HR of the concerned organization and she is very understanding of the situation. A nice contrast from the consultants. A good cop!

After three months, on one fine day, S gets his appraisal letter with a decent hike and also a call from the same consultant about the same opportunity.

In part 2 of the series, we see what happens then. There will be blood.. not really.


Posted in: on Monday, September 28, 2015 at at 8:46 PM 0 comments  

V tells me that within each of us there is a machine, a human being and a chimp. Of course, the chimp dominates. 

This chimp makes most irrational of decisions. Apparently the chimp is what stands between me and greatness.

How is my chimp, I asked?

I visited home earlier this month. I have another niece now. I am so glad I was there. And S got engaged.

During my time at home, I decided to be charming at office. Maybe, ask U to come with me to watch a movie. In fact, I was convinced that that would be first thing I will do once I land in Delhi.

After I came back, on one weekend I visited S and on my way to Noida from Delhi (three of us S, N and I took a cab from Ghitorani to Noida), I decided to be sarcastic and fun. And I killed it. It was very refreshing, I wished I did more of that.

And I did too. On one of the introductory sessions with a very senior person in Organization, I said that I was exceptional with SAS. Unfortunately, I couldn't pull it off the way I wanted to and felt stupid for rest of the day.

It was good practice though. I want to feel the limits of stupidity.




 
    

Posted in: on Wednesday, August 19, 2015 at at 9:37 PM 0 comments  

what you're really meant to do?

The title of this post is title of the book that I am reading currently. The book comes recommended from a former boss. Many people - including me - looked up to him. He was effortlessly and effectively honest.

I have just read first chapter of the book. For effective reading of subsequent chapters, the author suggests five rules.
1) Believe that justice will prevail
2) Beware of conventional wisdom
3) Act like an owner of your life and your choices
4) Be realistic and adopt to circumstances
5) Be open to learning

At the end of the chapter, he suggests some exercises in form of writing down answers of few questions and I thought this blog was an excellent place for me to do that. Firstly, the blog is not widely read. Secondly, it will be readily accessible to me for a long period of time.

Q: Write down your definition of success?
A: 1) To be able to express myself fearlessly
    2) Work towards equality
    3) Build a commercially successful product
Q: Write down the steps you believe you will need to take to achieve your dreams
A: 1) Be a master of metaphors. Practise incremental expressions and probe the limits. Undestand your listener - their weeknesses and strengths.
    2) Promote equality at a personal level. Seek power to be able to make systemic changes that promote equality.
    3) Be great with technology. Always stay in touch with technology.

Few additional thoughts:

Happiness intentionally left out of the list. Seeking happiness is like seeking examples of great presentation in google. Presentations about great presentations are rarely great.

Expressing myself - why does that top the list? It is such a powerful idea that I didn't have to list points 2 and 3. It also captures the essense of my worst fears that force me into a shell.

Building a product - That is my idea of owning a business. It keeps you occupied. It can empower you and others.

Posted in: on Sunday, July 26, 2015 at at 2:17 PM 0 comments  

ubuntu

be778cb9cc3cd25b28dc05cfc020617f

Posted in: on Monday, July 20, 2015 at at 11:12 PM 0 comments  

Superman


S and I entered in the elevator and continued our conversation, I said, "It's been so long. It seems absurd." "What is absurd?," he asked logically. "Us living for so long."

For a bit, I was impressed with the promptness of my response. Generally, after making such quick - apparently smart - remarks, I find myself questioning their validity and end up feeling stupid. Not this time. Really, 30 years. That is a lot of time.

Later in the day, a friend and colleague asked me a question about a solution (more like a product that helps you optimize promotions in a store). This solution is so overly and unnecessarily complex; and it has taken (sorry wasted) so much of my time that the thought of getting involved with it brings me down like nothing else. Anyway, I empathized with this poor fellow who has to deal with it now and so said I will look into it. After few minutes of result-less investigation, I felt very depressed and gave up. Later, I jokingly sent him a message on how the exercise made me suicidal. I really didn't know spelling of suicide back then so I searched for it in google and was impressed to find a helpline number thrown at me.

I told about this to a friend and he asked me why I was searching for it and later announced to the team about it. I found it very annoying.

I have become increasingly aware of negativity in my relationships - when someone is trying to push me, or take me to a guilt trip. For a couple of days, there was limited attendance in the team and I was surprised to observe how liberating that felt.

Now, I am managing this girl, U. She seems to have the talent but is not delivering to it yet. A certain Rohit Sharma comes to mind. Well, I am trying to be the best manager here and so I experiment. She is new to the in-house technologies and she labours to make them work. She approaches me and I solve it in seconds. Literally. It surprises me at time. It also make me realize how good I am with this stuff.

I thought she would be impressed too. But now I think it otherwise. Maybe it annoys her. Maybe, I am not able to contain my smugness. But I am rarely smug. I am rarely proud of my work. There is this tension between us at times and I don't like it. She really is full of energy and positivity and I often wonder if I am the source of this tension. The way I get negatively influenced by others in the team; am I influencing her negatively?

And there is more to it. She asked me to help her with something and I managed to say to her (after of course promptly fixing the issue) - "that is very basic, U. you should take that as a personal insult." I mean who says things like that?! With all my commitment to kindness, I still said that.

She did take it personally. I am trying to bring the situation to normal.

This whole episode made me think. During my time in MS, I had people reporting to me who really respected me. Here in dh, I have repeatedly got signals that people are not really crazy about working with me. There are a number of factors that could explain it.

I don't want to go into self persecuting mode (How true you were, M?!) but people don't exactly fall in love with me right after meeting me. I also have the fear of over coaching and that could very well be limiting our interactions. I also have this absurd idea of people responding positively to challenges.

There are people of different kinds. Yet, we all so want to praised and respected. That seems to be the key factor. People feel that I don't appreciate them. It is an area where I do need to work. From a technical point of view, I always see gaps in the way something has been done. I look at them from far above. This realization is interesting because I also said in the same post that I am not proud of my work. Either I am one ignorant bloke or I have contempt for everyone else's work. This last sentence gives me clarity even though it is intentionally ambiguous.

I also pondered over the idea of being in love with her. I mean she is intelligent, independent, beautiful and kind. And who doesn't like the idea of exploring associated emotions and behaviours that come with love?! Does she think good of me? Am I invading her space? Is it right to for me to be thinking about her like this? Is it right to be writing about it?

A wise man on television once said that if you want to get over a woman, turn her into literature. What does that imply?

There is a thin line
But with no sign
We'd try to transform it into a spline
and that could buy us some extra time
For what is love if we don't test its soul
Eternal love is no love at all
Only great highs can yield great falls
In another world and another time, I would be that superman guy
I hope I can learn to walk. I don't mind if I cant fly.

Thank you RhymeZone.com

Posted in: on Sunday, July 19, 2015 at at 8:38 PM 0 comments  

Fwd: Things you own..


It rains as soon as I buy an air conditioner.

I am trying to analyse my general aversion towards buying and owning stuff. "Things you own, end up owning you," is what that guy in Fight Club said.

But I am trying to change that. To see where that leads me. Maybe, consumerism is the way. It brings you closer to Nature and accept it in its unforgiving form. It enables you to interact with it on equal terms.

I am also going to buy a car in a week or two. I have been saying that for a long time. This time it seems more likely to happen.

And I am impressed with my lack of knowledge around cars or air conditioners. I didn't even know what the difference was between a hatchback and a sedan.

I have come to realise that I seek too much clarity in transactional steps. For example, who would drive back the car to my house?; or what documents do I need to be able to buy a car?; or what should be the first thing I do once I enter a showroom; these are the questions that give my naive brain sleepless nights. It stops me from enjoying the entire exercise of buying a car - an inspirational product, as a friend rightly said - and focus on being done with the whole thing as soon as possible. So the first thing that looks all right is what I end up buying.

I am sure this behaviour extends to other aspects of my life.

By the way, I turned 30. J called right at 12 and made me happiest man on earth. V called as well. I felt so happy that so many remembered.

I am going to prioritize new. To experiment is the only way of finding out the truth.

Before that, I also visited home after a relatively long stretch of about 6 months. There are two incidents that I have decided to remember.

I was playing with my niece and she seemed so happy to be playing with me. It was unbelievable. I only wish that I shared that happiness with her and not be aware.

Second incident is when I was standing on queue during boarding my flight to Delhi. The line was not moving yet. I decided to go to the loo and told the person standing behind me that I would be back in few minutes. When I came out of loo, I saw that the line had started moving and the person standing behind me was about to enter barrier lines. My initial thought was to go back to the end of the line. Then I thought what was new in doing that?! So instead I went to that person and asked him if it was ok for me to join the line. He said it was. 


Posted in: on Saturday, June 13, 2015 at at 5:21 PM 0 comments  

In the Land of Women

This Sunday, I got to meet N and M. What do I have to say about it given the fact that they (at least, one is) are going to read about it.

Quick flashbacks: 
N calls on Saturday. She is in Delhi and asks me if I am available to meet M and her on Sunday at Hauz Khas Village. She also mentions that she had almost forgot that I lived in NCR.

I am waiting at Green Park metro station for M and N, and share a fleeting glance with a girl sitting on next "what-dya-call-it" circular bench. I have a feeling she could be M but deal with it in boring "Satish" way. After a second, I get a call on my phone as I see her silently on phone too. I stupidly still pick up the phone before dropping it. We shake hands and I address her with "aap". She says she has already read my post and wouldn't have any of it. I'm mostly flattered that someone is still reading my blog.

N arrives shortly and gives us both a big hug. The hug sets the mood for rest of the meet.

We arrive to HKV in an auto. M is really quick with making the payment.

We go to Elma's. We order a sandwich, potato skins and cold coffee. We discuss blogs, jobs and bhabhiji's dresses. M gives N a personalized gift and N is almost about to cry. Oh, and there are photos. Lots of photos.

M is again quick with making payment.

We go to Hauz Khas. N talks about rolling joints. We compare Bangalore, Delhi and Mumbai in middle of squirrels, butterflies and eyelashes.

We go to Navaidyam. We order idli, dosa, utthapam and filter coffee. We discuss powerful friends that M has while N brings up references of her drunk friends. I unsuccessfully search for existence of any friend that I could proudly boast of. We miss R and then we call her. I finally rise up to the occasion and manage to pay.

Then we leave.

Back to now:

We all had an amazing time, didn't we? HKV was an amazing choice but it was really about the company. There was no rush to be somewhere else. Many times, when meeting with people, I have out-of-body experiences which is to say a copy of me is observing me from a distance as if assessing how well I was doing. Here, I could just be.

They (seems so distant) are from different fields of work too. That is just so rare for me. More ever, right now all of them are taking a chance. I just did not think about simply quitting my job and doing nothing (or something that I believe in) so strongly till now.

N seems most ready to break all useless  social norms.

M is quietly efficient. I'm so glad that she is friends (in "friendship" defining way) with R.

I am really close to my sisters. There is one who exemplifies having a sense of duty and delivering to it. There is one who simply loves me. I have a strong opinion that we need women running governments to make this world a better place. Seriously. That will be a revolution.

Posted in: on Monday, May 11, 2015 at at 11:09 PM 2 comments  

Silsila

I have a page on Facebook where I post my favourite lines from my favourite songs and it is about to reach 1000 likes. Before that, I already have a milestone. Recently I posted the line 'Yeh kahan aa gaye hum, yunhi saath saath chalte' with a snapshot of the video - of Rekha and Amitabh taking a walk in a garden together – and it reached to more than 1000 users and about 80 of them liked it. Talk about a scandal! I was really psyched to see it.

 

What are the learnings? Lines accompanied with pictures get you more likes. That is one. And simplicity: you get more likes on posting opening lines of the song. Sometimes, I get carried away in my attempt to show off my taste by posting lines that show more depth. Here, I successfully avoided an urge of posting  "humein milna hee tha humdum, kisi raah bhi nikalate".

 

The second learning is especially relevant. It took me a long time to understand important of repetition. While being asked to talk about myself in my interviews, I somehow wanted to be "new" every time. I will try and come up with different aspects of my personal and professional history in each interview. It never worked. You hear politicians – AK, e.g. – and they make sure they say same thing again and again and suddenly they make the truth.

 

This week has seen me go through a sine curve with regard to range of emotions that I have felt. I am trying to get better at saying no. I am trying to get better at negotiations, in general. You know what they say – you don't get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate. Job negotiations generally involve you interacting with strangers.

 

Interacting with strangers have always been a challenge to me – especially if power equations are not clearly defined.

 

I remember our extended team offsite where we got a younger colleague – let's call him R - drunk and stuck with a question – you know when people get drunk, they insist on knowing answers of deep questions of  most philosophical nature. So before he got drunk, we were evaluating effectiveness of Hindi as a language. I have a major crib with Hindi – presence of "tu", "tum" and "aap" has made interactions with new acquaintances so much painful. I am always struggling to find the right word to address a new person. My default tends to be "aap" but I have realised that people take that as a sign that I am younger or on the lower side of imaginary power pyramid. With women I still use "aap" without feeling much confusion – I am in love with all of them. Anyway, with "prioritizing new" as my motto, I have started to call people that I think are younger than me (and most of them are) as "tum". I see that English has escaped this problem quite simply. So R really wanted to know why there are different variation of "you" in Hindi and whether they are a hurdle in making new friends. Except that he never completed his question and even when he did, he wouldn't allow a response.

 

So coming back to my struggle with interacting with strangers, I made a comment to V that I somehow manage to idealize strangers. On top of that I start to believe that they know all of my weaknesses. Honestly, I don't like this level of self-awareness. My only hope is that it's a positive step towards self-improvement.

 

What could be a plan of action in a situation like this? I need to "not be me". I am going to do that by wearing hats – I should wear my "smart" hat, "honest" hat, "grandfather" hat and I need to keep shopping for new hats to see what works for me. There is a side story on "grandfather" hat that will digress me further so it will have to wait.

 

I should also de-idealize them. I need to see weaknesses of my hr manager in the hr manager that is interviewing me.

 

In this quest of me mastering the art of interacting with strangers, V and S have been most helpful. At times, I look at myself looking at them for approval – but maybe, I do that with everyone.

 

The first time I spoke in order to negotiate with the consultant, I don't think I was particularly good. I felt bad that I could not be good. Second time, it was marginally better. The interaction with the HR was a really nice surprise – that maybe I don't need rules. Just don't be presumptuous and don't take unnecessary guilt trips. I could almost be in control right now if it was not for an unplanned stupid experiment.


Posted in: on Friday, May 8, 2015 at at 9:09 PM 0 comments  

Earthquake and aftershocks

I am sitting on a bench. Behind me a group of senior citizens are discussing earthquakes.

This is the 4th time that I have used stairs to come down from my 11th floor flat. The first time that I came down, I was half asleep and did not have my sleepers, mobile phone or wallet with me. I was lying down on my bed and felt that I was moving synchronously with floor. Simultaneously I heard knocking on my door and was informed by my flatmate that there is an earthquake and we should be moving down. I half sleep walked behind him.

I have had mild experiences of earthquake before but this really shook me. I asked my friend to search for news and there was nothing much available online. Later we came to know it was 7.8 scale earthquake that was centered in Nepal. After about 30 minutes of us going back into the flat, we again felt a major tremor and came down again. Since then it has been a series of aftershocks.

Night was a different matter altogether. I had plans of attending a friend's wedding and I should really be in Bareilly right now. I'm not sure how it happened but somehow I have managed to not attend it and live this moment of scare instead. I think it was a case of communication failure between me and another friend who was in charge of organizing the trip.

Taking about communication, I ported my number to Vodafone and feel disappointed already after facing same reception related problems. In the aftermath of airtel trying to keep me with them, I got the calls from different people saying that they will fix my problem. I also felt that call quality was relatively better on the last week with airtel. Anyway, I gave already written to Vodafone and hopefully they will respond. Getting a customer care representative on their customer care number is impossible.

I also wrote my first YouTube comment last night. At about 2 at night I realized that I could not sleep. "How do I know that I am not in middle of an earthquake right now?" I was experiencing an augmented reality where I felt as if I was in middle of a continuous earthquake. Finally, common sense prevailed and I decided to focus my energies to the ceiling fan. If it starts shaking like a pendulum then I know. I also decided not to force myself to sleep anymore and instead, waste time on YouTube. That's when I came across Tara's channel. She was reading comments that she had on her other videos. She plays video games and reviews them. She is also very comfortable taking about her sexuality and its importance in getting her the views. I know you know the mix of comments one expects on YouTube videos. You have funny ones, full of hatred ones, nonsensical ones, disgusting ones. It's like a democracy in its most efficient and representative form.

She was funny while replying to comments. She could really work with accents. She was smart and she could see through holes in arguments. Most of all, to me she was reassuring and a connection to sanity.

So I wrote a really boring comment on one of her videos thanking her. I do that quite often these days. Whenever I see someone doing something good, I leave a message thanking them.

Earlier this week, I also went to Noida to give a job interview. It was very conversational in style and I loved it. The person interviewing me had Mu Sigma roots too so it was really good to look back at a time worth remembering. I was honest and funny and philosophical.

Noida is really far away from Gurgaon. I woke up at 6 and reached their office at 9:45. On my way, traveling on the Metro, I  thought deeply about my value proposition. I went through few answers that bookmarked on Quora and that helped too. I also met B waiting to be interviewed. Talk about coincidences.

I am also deeply into reading History of India by John Key - I have read first two chapters on Vedic Era and Epic Era and it was really interesting. However, I am struggling to continue 'If on a winter's night a traveler'.

Posted in: on Sunday, April 26, 2015 at at 2:37 PM 0 comments  

MNP

MNP is Mobile Number Portability. I recently applied to port my number to Vodafone from Airtel.

For months now, I have had a bad experience talking on phone. Earlier I had a magnetic cover on my moto g mobile that used to interfere with my calls. For a long time I did not realize that it was the cover causing the problem so I unconsciously became frustrated. However, I never realized that I could do something to take care of the problem. Change the phone or Sim card. I can be very ignorant like that - particularly when it's my problem. Somehow, I think my problems are not important enough.

Then I realized that I could change my mobile and maybe I would have taken action in that direction but luckily I ended up checking if my mobile cover had anything to do with it.

Few of my flatmates also have airtel and they agreed with me that there has been a drop in call quality so I finally decided to use another network provider. I chose portability over buying another Sim because I had never made user of MNP before and also because I wanted to teach Airtel a lesson. They are in middle of net neutrality debate and they are willing to compromise on call quality.

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, we have a new joiner in the team that I am managing. She seems to be following few rules from psychology books while dealing with people. And  she seems to be doing it quite effectively. One thing that she does is call out whatever it is that she does not like in a slightly subtle form. There is this example when another team member was standing behind him looking at her laptop screen and she asked him what he wanted. There has also been few examples with me when I reacted to something in trademark Satish way and she wanted to know why.

Another thing she does is ask me what I would do in the situation where she has not been effective. That's a killer strategy I would say.

Only problem that I see in her practicing these strategies is that she can become predictable. I am not that bright with identifying people's motive and if I sense this then maybe she needs to learn more.

I also cleaned by room. Ordered books and a measuring tape. I am going to order a curtain and a bed sheet.

Posted in: on Sunday, April 19, 2015 at at 11:13 PM 0 comments  

Kafka on the Shore

So how was the last week? I have decided to write a post every week that summarizes major happenings in my life every week.

Major achievement of the week was that I completed Kafka on the Shore, a 500 pages long fiction, within a week. Did I tell you that I was struggling to finish a book ever since I was trying to read non fiction? I had almost forgot what fun it was to be immersed in a story!

My laptop gave up on me and that also helped my mission of completing the book as soon as possible. I was trying to install Skype on my Linux laptop and went few steps of the limit in experimenting. The laptop has had it. I am very happy with my laptop though. I bought it for 16,000 and decided to install Ubuntu, a Linux distribution, on it. Since then, I have dug deeper into open source. I have installed single node Hadoop, Hive, Shiny server on this laptop. Another major milestone was when I decided to explore world of cloud computing and got a free server on AWS - Amazon Web Services. I am going to build my own website now.

I have also decided to review every book I read. Every interview I give. Every code I write. Every joke I make.

Kafka in the Shore is supposed to be layered in its meaning. Now I can read the analysis of the story and be surprised at how much I missed. But before I do that I can write down few thoughts of my own. There are two main characters in the book and one of them is Nakata. In the final stage of the story, Nakata takes a series of steps in most unusual way. He can know what the next step would be only once he reaches the step before it. Isn't that life?

Nakata can also talk to cats. All the conversations between him and the cats are a pleasure to read.

Did Nakata have a happy life? Hoshino thinks that he did. Happy, maybe, is not a right word here. Meaningful seems more appropriate.

I also visited landmark group in their Bangalore office. Apart from about 2 hours that I spent with them, I spent all of my time in the cab and then in the bus and I felt happy just being able to identify streets and buildings in Bangalorean wind and sunshine.

On my flight from Delhi, I opted for a window seat and was amazed to see cloud in their full glory under sun. They redefine whiteness. You could jump off the plane and land safely on them.

Posted in: on Thursday, April 16, 2015 at at 12:05 AM 0 comments  

Weekenders

I asked a new joiner within the team to tell me about her weekend plans and then got ready to answer the dreaded question myself.

What do you do with your weekend?

So I can spend entire weekends within my flat. I am working on few pet projects that keep me busy. And I read. I mean I hope I read a lot.

But what is a really good answer to such questions? I somehow feel a need to rethink answer of this question every time when I don't have to. I think this is a big realization. I could simply say that I relaxed.

Anyway, I wanted to meet Sanjeev and Natasha and Fanny for a long time. Fanny, by the way, is a 3 months old Labrador. They live in Noida and it's about 2 hours journey if one wants to go there from Gurgaon. Anyway, every once in a while we would make plans of meeting and then drop it at the very last hour. I think there is some guilty pleasure in canceling plans.

Anyway, this Saturday they did take trouble of coming and meeting me. They came with Fanny and I was happy to see them. I was not so crazy about Fanny though. She seemed harmless at the beginning but then she really scared me by trying to crunch my ribs.

We decided to buy beer and few other items and so went to local market. And boy, was I in for enlightenment! People stopped and asked permission to play with Fanny. I realized she is the celebrity and felt guilty for not being reverent enough to her during our interaction earlier.

And we didn't talk much about anything else. If you are in a relationship and you have run out of ideas for conversations, adopting a dog could be a winner choice.

But we did talk about other things, didn't we? How NCR sucked. How I'm old and have never had a girlfriend. Where do we go from here?

I think it is a tough time that I am going through. I have time and if I don't invest it somewhere judiciously, I will waste it, look back and repent. Or worse, I could develop a wrong (or true) perspective of world and really not care about anything.

My plan is to read and write. Create something that I can be proud of. Be aware. Not panic. Be happy.

Posted in: on Sunday, April 5, 2015 at at 9:50 PM 0 comments  

A walk in the park

I watched Source Code this evening. It is name of a movie, by the way. By the end of it, I had tears in my eyes. And I really wanted to cry. It must be my periods. I thought. Or who cries after watching a sci-fi movie.

So to stop myself from analysing why I wanted to cry, I decided to distract myself by taking a walk outside. Its a residential society consisting of about 15 towers - big enough that people can be found taking a walk outside when weather is good.

It was 7:30. It was windy. There were people. I wondered if they were suspicious of me.

I took a turn.

...

Now it's 11:45. And it's raining. And I'm listening to Jennifer Lopez. Where were we?

... 

So I took a turn. And after about 5 minutes I felt lost. But I knew I would find my way back.

I sure did. For those 5 minutes, I paid more attention to world outside.

...

I am back from office after an unproductive day. Had a good discussions with Rahul (the name that is so generic that it doesn't even need masking) around what I wanted to do, where I should focus and books. I am continuously talking about how I miss reading fiction these days. I should just order God of small Things.

I asked him where we lacked and he answered in bullet points as if he had thought a lot about it. We are extremely slow, we are extremely expensive and we don't speak our clients language. I was wowed.

And he also mentioned how I should better market myself.

V pointed that I was alright in the middle. It was only at the beginning and at the end that I sucked.

...

So back to the walk. I was lost but I also knew that if I walked enough I will eventually encounter the familiar and I did. I eventually entered into this little play ground that large residential societies have for kids. Except that it was late in evening now and you couldn't find any kid there.

And so I sat down on a bench. And played a randomly selected song on my mobile phone. 'Chal akela, chal akela..' it told me. That happens a lot to me.

Next song was thankfully 'is reshmi pajeb ki jhankaar ke sadke..'

Posted in: on Monday, March 30, 2015 at at 11:34 PM 0 comments  

Making of a habit

How have these two months been?

I started off with a high note. I realized power that books have. 100 years on, they can still make people join the battle you started. Do I write with a purpose now?

I am at the peak of information consumption these days. I still have a choice. I know it is only a waste of time and energy.

All these times I have been waiting for someone else to tell me what I need to do. I need to develop my own view of the world.

Posted in: on Friday, March 13, 2015 at at 11:42 PM 0 comments  

a year that was

Finally, I think we have reached to my favourite part of the year - when it ends.

So what were highlights of this year?

I have another niece now.
I have a house now.
Diwali was special. I am glad I visited people that I visited.

It was also the year when I took that leap of faith. 

It was the year of Rahul. Of beer parties every night.

AC got selected. 

It was also the year that our house was robbed.

I also donated quite a lot this year. Of course, this was a year of aam aadmi party and Indian General Elections. Of the realization that I can still get inspired. And change is possible.

This was also the year I read Guide.

Professionally, installed single node hadoop cluster. vbscripting to order sas reports from outlook. a lot of shell scripting. Modular programming in SAS in a way that just made sense - product, date, store, customer.

More importantly, I want to move into a CTO + Solution Design role - very technology focused.

What are the priorities for next year? We must lose virginity - said Maggu and I agreed.

I would like to read more books. I will definitely read History of India.

I will build my capability in Hadoop and R technologies.

I will also make a mobile app.

I will also write often here. 10 short stories, maybe.

I will be more aware, more content, more proactive.

This will also be year when I start a revolution.

Posted in: on Monday, December 29, 2014 at at 9:16 PM 0 comments  

The only Zen you can find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

I came across this quote on Quora and it just made sense. Specially after Rohtang trip. There is no escape but only a chance of acknowledgement.

I have already read Zen and Art of Motorcycle Maintenance once. This quote seems like a good example of something that deserves little attention when you are reading a book.

I don't know how but I have been consciously trying to remember advices given to me by different people.

1) Try to control your sense of humour in front of your manager when things are not going great at office. (2008, it must be?)

2) Don't take it lying down. Give it back to them. (2014)

There was one that I wanted to put at number 3. Just cant remember at the moment.

3) Change is always good. (2011, at the time of switching)

4) It's only a matter of time. (When I told a friend that my decks suck)

5) Self persecution

It has been a fortnight since I moved to a new flat my another colleague.

I don't know how one goes about writing a humiliating experience but I am this close to giving it a try.

It irritated me for a few days. It still does. And I am looking for a resolution, a closure. After a week now, I realize there are no easy resolution. It's more about what kind of stories you choose to tell yourself and steps you want to take to be better prepared for the next time.

I knew it could happen. And it did happen. At least I now know an iota of what it feels to live through your worst fears. It's always exaggerated. Reality has that effect on nightmares.

Posted in: on Sunday, November 16, 2014 at at 7:03 PM 0 comments  

Is it just me or mosquitoes in Gurgaon are smarter than mosquitoes in Raipur? It used to be real hard work to get mosquitoes killed in my Gurgaon home. Here at Raipur, they seem to be not caring about their life. Not caring about one's life.. Is that dumbness or enlightenment?

So at least after a couple of years, I have been home for Diwali. It was a good trip. I did make some good decisions. Visited people who matter. I need to be better at articulating my decisions and getting into telling mode than asking mode when really it is my decision to make.

Also I wanted to thank ladies who are kind enough to visit me in my dreams. I am generally an unsatisfied sleeper which is to say that after hours of lying on the bed, I don't feel I have slept at all. It's more like I lose my senses and drop to sleep. Anyways lately I'm very aware of my dreams and whenever I realize that I have been dreaming I kind of feel happy thinking that dreaming means sleeping. So these three nights so far I have dreamt of women. In the very first case it was Britney. In the second case it was a colleague. In the third case it was someone that I can't remember now. Now a question to my large female followers - was writing about these dreams a good idea?

Posted in: on Friday, October 24, 2014 at at 6:23 PM 0 comments  

as Indians we want someone else to take care of our problems?

We? Am I really eligible to speak on behalf of a billion people?

I want to take a road that someone has already taken. I want to achieve mediocre goals that some body has already achieved. I want to go out there and achieve slightly better than the average.

I went to Himachal this week. This was first time when I was above 4000 meters from sea level. Height does give you a different perspective. That could explain people taking high roads to mountain for self discovery.

Did I discover myself all over again? Short answer is no.

The road from Manali to Rohtang was really something. In about 50 kilometers, we went up by 2000 meter. The road was narrow and steep and full of fellow travellers. I thought if I ever ran out of ideas for making life interesting, i will learn to drive and try to make it alive to the end of the road.

The driver was a great teacher as well. He never reacted to minor incidents happening on the road. and always kept left. That could be a great way of leading a life - always keeping left.

Food was amazingly non spicy. Most of eating places and guest houses were maintained by a couple of people.

Posted in: on Monday, October 6, 2014 at at 11:10 PM 0 comments  

What do I do with those moments of clarity? I wake up and I know what exactly needs to be done. And then I wake up to reality.

Is being scared the defining element of my reality?

What's really scary is that I will cease to have them eventually. And then maybe I will be happy. Happy and a bit of not me.

Anyway, I wanted to write this for Raul. You know I'm swyping it and it came as Raul so Raul it is.

I'm sad that I'm going to lose him. But this post is a bread crumb maybe. And maybe it will help me find him again.

What do I say about him? Sometimes he makes me extremely sad because he reminds me of me.

Sometimes he talks. Actually he talks a lot. Like it will lead him to truth. Or like he will create the truth. Or like it's the only way to kill time.

And does he crib? It makes me worry. It's like he has this super power to see what is not correct. Except that maybe it's not a super power but a weakness.

I wish I could end this at a happy note.

Some day I will try.

Posted in: on Tuesday, September 30, 2014 at at 1:22 AM 0 comments  

I was just speaking with a friend about how studious we were in school. This post is going to be about my little accomplishments.

So a long time ago, when I was in class seven, I scored 50 in my math half yearly test. I think that's my best performance.

In class nine, this new math teacher comes with our quarterly assessments and says that only for of us have passed. He then asked that students who felt confident should stand up. Four of us did and four of us actually passed. I never felt more proud of my friends!

Posted in: on Thursday, September 18, 2014 at at 1:59 AM 0 comments  

What is maturity? Risk averseness. Thinking about it for more than a day and specifically while bathing I realized that it is not that. It's being good at assessing risk and taking a decision to do it and then not regretting the consequence.

What causes regret? Is it general lack of information while making a decision? Or is it knowing that you knew what needed to be done but you opted for something easier?

What are my deeper regrets? What are my biggest humiliations? What are my deepest fears? They define who i'm because I would never share them with anyone else? Or are they chains that keep me from expressing myself completely?

Where do we go now?

We go towards answers? So many question marks. Enough of them already.

Posted in: on Tuesday, August 26, 2014 at at 1:52 AM 0 comments  

How do I summarize the time that I'm living in? What is the setting? I'm 29. Supposedly underpaid. Living with friends. Working in dh. Reasonable work hours. Cooking. Watching House. Game of thrones. Reading Midnight's children. Trying to read history of India.  Getting irritated by people. With myself. Singing songs to freak out gals that sit opposite to me. Not talking much to people. Aiming to be kind. Getting disappointed at every realization that I was trying to be smart. Coding. Scripting. Listening to heart beats. Trying to calm down. Trying to be in touch with people. Knowing that it is not possible.

What does that sum up to? Am I happy? Am I at least trying? Is that important? Being happy I mean.

Nieces. Future.

What is going to be my legend?

Posted in: on Thursday, August 7, 2014 at at 11:27 PM 0 comments  

imagine a world without cars
no noises, no pollution, no traffic
but that is not it. is it?
why does everything has two sides to it?
no travelling, rather no need of travelling
to a place rather quickly
no roads as well?!
no aeroplanes or trains either?
why is evolution so linear?
no great demand for petroleum oil?
no war?
i think i have taken it too far

is this really hatred to technological advancement
or is it its abuse?
are cars really sick of men too
like agent smith

what do i want?
a closure, that elusive closure..

Posted in: on Sunday, August 3, 2014 at at 7:33 PM 0 comments  

Where are the personal posts, you say?!

In the last few weeks, I have been visibly silent in office. Why are you so quite, these days? Asked a friend. I'm practicing silence. Said the I.

To begin with, I'm not very talkative. However, I noticed that these few days, I was kind of not very happy. Happiness, I gathered, is quite dependent on the numbers of words you speak to others. apparently. Few days, I was so very aware of the sinking feeling in my heart. It was never as describable. I could feel it being pushed deep into agony by the weight of the world.

One theme, that I have not been vocal about lately, is ignorance. I am a huge fan of ignorance. It helps me focus. Sometimes, I feel I will be fine if I'm not aware of my unhappiness. But I'm losing my superpower and there is no escaping awareness now. What would Superman do in such cases?

Speaking of superpowers, another superpower that I've lately been aware of, is meeting expectation. I have same affinity towards unmet expectations, as weightless photons towards black holes. I am sure there is name for this medical condition. Good thing is that I'm working on this.

Posted in: on Monday, July 7, 2014 at at 10:00 PM 0 comments  

I finally visited a dentist. And I feel indebted to write this post to thank them. Generally, I wouldn't mention their facilities name but I get the feeling that they are new and need all the PR they could. The clinic is MyDentist and it is located in Galleria Market, Gurgaon.

Here is a background story.

About a year ago, I wanted to have my teeth checked and visited a dentist. You know how taxing that exercise is. So the dentist tells me that I have two cavities and does the quick work of fixing it. A week after that, I know the work was not perfect and I can feel that cavities are not entirely filled. Worse, now I have the annoying condition of food getting stuck in my teeth.

I don't visit another dentist for more than a year. You see, my faith in dentists is shaken.

Fast forward to now.

Finally, I understand the fact that my health is my responsibility. So it's an early Friday in dh and I'm in Gallaria at 4 in afternoon. I want to visit an eye clinic first. I go there and get my appointment. Then I decide that while I'm at it, I could as well visit a dentist and as a result of a random Google search land up at MyDentist.

I see the doctor attending patients and calls at reception with dexterity. She is caring and has a personal interest in her patients is my initial thought. She does a quick check up of condition of my teeth and asks me to come tomorrow. I ask her - "what are the chances that it wouldn't get fixed completely even this time" and she replied honestly that there is always a risk but she will do her best. I ask her what would be the cost expecting it to be at top decile as Gallaria in general is expensive. And she says 700 per tooth. That made me happy. I gather she is a smart woman and knows that expenses can still be met if she has enough customers visiting her. And I hope they do.

They are an all women team and they are doing their job with great level of professionalism and integrity. We need more such people in India.

Posted in: on Saturday, June 28, 2014 at at 12:05 PM 0 comments  

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