the greatest blog ever

i think that i should write more frequently. before i forget things.

anyway, i have random, scary and very real dreams almost every night now. so i had this dream where i guess i was drowning and i was trying desperately to stay afloat. someone is trying to pull me down by my legs. i am shit scared and i give a sharp kick to get my leg free. next thing i know i am wide awake, in pain most probably with an injured toe as i have hit the wall next to my bed in full force.

and i was still scared. the pain will go i knew. but this feeling that i am losing my sense of reality was overwhelming. so this is how people go insane i thought.

work related update - i am moving to a new team. i am not very hands on. and i am still not very sure what i want to do for rest of my life. i am taking sas training (as a trainer) by the way. i took it so to get a change in work life. but even that becomes frustrating. i know i can be a great teacher if i am little more patient. and i am very patient. but somewhere carelessness has another level of effect on me. anyway, i think the thing we remember most about our teachers is not the depth of knowledge that they had, but how patient they were with us.

the thing that upsets me most is that i was upset in the class. it is kind of an infinite loop situation where i really dont want to go to prove my smartassedness. age has that effect on people.

and i am 26. at times i think i dont have an objective in my life. then few things here and there and i am already contemplating suicide (btw i have decided not to be philosophical about death) and then i think why not take that jump to do the absolute impossible without any fear of risk if i am willing to risk my life uselessly. this para, i think i shouldnt have written.

Posted in: on Monday, August 15, 2011 at at 10:36 PM  

So continuing on my fascination with words. Today’s word of the day is ‘sustenance’. You know you are old when you start talking about sustenance. Seriously. It’s more related to survival. And giving in I guess. Succumbing to your circumstances. But somewhere it is maturity as well. Well let’s not go around in circle. Where is the circle?

Yeah, so working late everyday is not sustainable. Being frustrated is not sustainable. Smoking all day empty stomach is not sustainable. Being angry is not sustainable. Enough of examples already. I want to move to that phase now where I have mediocre, thermodynamically feasible goals. After so many days, I think I am finally in mood of sounding funny.

I am sitting little far from my team now. I think that has definitely reduced the stress level. Seriously, you think few things are nonsense and they work as a charm. Duriyaan hain jaroori.

Also, I was talking to chaure who is in London by the way. First one of us to have flown abroad. So he called me. I mentioned that he was the first one to fly abroad. He said ‘sorry dost. Tumse pahle chala aaya’ in not very sarcastic tone. And I said ‘its ok. I am..’ and I stopped after ‘am’ and he said that ‘kyun ruk gaye dost? I am proud kahne wale the kya?’. And yes that was what I wanted to say.

Seriously, chaure is mind-blowing.

Posted in: on Tuesday, June 28, 2011 at at 12:00 AM  

seems like a long time. also seems like few of my posts are deleted - the feeling that the posts at the top were written ages ago.

anyway, where was i? so she left the company. i wanted to ask her to join me for lunch or whatever. but i think i did well to not complicate things and having left her alone.

i have talked just about her in the blog i guess. expect for one off instances.

i want to talk about others. i am going through a different phase i guess. there is one who is married and is the closest to royalty.

and i am beginning my second inning as a full time project manager. i know i will forget about sas. but i have felt what it means to know that you are the best on one of the fields. and that feeling is awesome.

Posted in: on Thursday, June 23, 2011 at at 11:19 PM  

I have to get done with this in 15 minutes. In fact I think I should complete it in 5 minutes.

This is my kind of start to a post.

Anyway, like it has been for past few posts, even this post will be loaded with heavy dose of philosophy. Anyway, where was I? I am listening to Romeo and Juliet. Isn’t it just wonderful?

There was a phase when I was fascinated with phrases. There is this phase now when I am fascinated by words. Is that part of evolution? What is evolution by the way? More importantly how do we differentiate between evolution and degradation. Anyway, this will be material for another post. Now is the time to talk about words.

But before that I have had some phrases borrowed from our SVP and I would like to remember them. In one of the training meeting – he elaborated on what is meant by ‘comfortable under your skin’. Will you be comfortable under your skin – if you are naked? – he added.

He also talked about how ‘truth should not come in the way of expressing it’. I think I didn’t hear it properly and I improvised.

Coming back to words – ‘consistency’ is another word that I am fascinated with recently. Most of our behavioral patterns are explainable when we look for consistency. People have related consistency of your treatment of other people with your idea of justice. Prejudiced, are we?

‘Admiration’ I have talked about before.

Here goes the beep. And here go I.

Posted in: on Monday, May 16, 2011 at at 9:17 PM  

i am reading a lot on 'quality' lately. you know, like, we all want to be good, but what exactly is 'good'? is it relative or is there an absolute 'good'? this all started when i completed reading zen and art of motorcycle maintenance. i did not understand it completely but still there is someone who thought about this question and took the trouble of writing a book that was rejected by 20 publishers. i can only guess the reason for rejection.

anyway, i just completed reading another book, lila, by the same author. here he talks about morality. as the author even i think there is a direct connection between quality and morality. morality, the guiding force of a society thrives (should thrive) to preserve what is good.

anyway, i get 'what are you always thinking?' a lot from many people lately. i don't take it as a compliment anymore.

i had some more thoughts on communication. the need of it. and how it should never be undervalued. there are two parts to it if you undervalue it. one, you think you have something to say that nobody can understand. a misplaced sense of superiority. two, you just lack that drive to connect to another human being. only real time experience can correct your theoretical knowledge you picked from all those books. plus what else is exciting in life except for those moments when you connect. human existence will always need validation.

amongst all this philosophical thinking about quality and life, i hope i dont take myself too seriously. i tend to do that very often. one of the reasons i get very impatient lately.

and i wanted to write about you. i know you have asked me to write about you before. every time i think that i have you figured, you have me shaken up. you think that you are the mature one between us - which is exactly what i think about myself.

Posted in: on Wednesday, May 4, 2011 at at 11:49 PM  

its been some time since i have been thinking about the human need to communicate. you know i have always been told that i needed to improve my communication. yeah, in those one-on-ones, where it is mandatory to always tell people improvements area. i can appreciate it more now that i am on other side of table. yeah i am almost a manager now. hehe. (that is one joke that i have cracked in a long time!)

anyway, coming back to point. communication. earlier i thought that it was because of 'that' lag when i tried talking in english. but my written english is quite good as you all have already witnessed by now. (thats two in a row. and btw this does not disprove the hypothesis.)

but lately, i have discovered multiple layers of communication and it all comes down to trust i guess. trust that the person will be able to understand what you want to say. and its a thin line. quite often it leads to presumption. that the person already understands that you want to say. otherwise, that the person will never understand what you want to say. and there is 'lost in translation' shit that i have talked about earlier.

anyway, the point is that i have stopped caring so much about my bad communication skill mainly because my lack of faith in people. and that is not good.

in a side news, i was talking to chaure today and he told me about this dream that he has had. he went to a girls place. then the girl insisted that he teaches him some subject. something happened as he was teaching her and they started kissing. french kissing to be specific. and it was all too confusing to him. he thought that he was having a dream within the dream when he kissed the girl. sarafat ki imtihaan ho gayee. i told him that he will have to go to level 4 if the dream involved a sequence with more than kissing in it.

i also wanted to talk about nature of admiration. how it can bond people when the center of admiration for them is the same person. and how it can create friction if two persons are competing for same admiration. its funny at times.

Posted in: on Sunday, April 3, 2011 at at 11:02 PM  

Today, I was extremely sad. The whole day. I could not go home. Everyone called and told me that they missed me. Work Sux big time. I feel like quitting it all. I know for sure that it is not worth it at all.

then i thot. and i realized that i will never be happy again. i was watching 'Touch' and i knew that i will never be able to sit on a bench in front of a garden and be happy knowing that I exist. Its been so long that I connected with a fellow human being. Most of the time i am in front of my laptop. Rest of the time in front of TV. Rest of the time mobile. Rest of the time I am trying to sleep. Rest of the time I am trying to read.

my list of resolution, mostly quit -
1. smoking
2. watching tv
3. late night work hours
4. watching porn
5. self persecution

do -
1. breath
2. talk
3. just know that you are not a president running a country
4.

Posted in: on Monday, March 21, 2011 at at 12:20 AM  

There is so much going on in life. Sometimes I feel I am making it a way bigger deal than it actually is. Anyway, its all part of the learning.

Again, I am thinking whether to give context or not. If you provide enough context almost everything can be justified. And that I think is not good. I have never appreciated both sides of the coin better.

I was going through my blog recently. And I thought that it was quite a blog. And then I thought what happens if I lose it. I searched for how to take back-up of a blog. Anyway, the whole thing sounds stupid. (Cos I could save them in my email..but then I will have to take back up of my emails and so on..)

And I am again working crazy hours now. But this time, I am quite uneasy. Every minute I think if I should quit it all. I never though that recent incidences will have this much effect on me. For my own sake, I think I should write some more.

...

I just thought for whole 60 seconds and I think I will be bored to death if I wrote it all.

Anyway, I am going through this mood changes in office lately. I don't like it. I should not do that anymore. It gives me a feeling of fakeness. Both ways. If I am playing serious, I always think that the attention seeker in me is doing it. But if I am not serious, then I am basically not being me.

This blog post sucks. When I started writing this, I thought I will get fan emails from all over the world. Not happening anymore.

Human race has come a long way. So much has gone into establishing the systems, it will be hard to think that there was a time they did not exist. Governments, traffic systems, corporates! Who could think all this?! The world will end soon. Human race is the most logical weapon to take on such a mammoth task.

I love philosophy. I think that would play a big part in me deciding which of the millions of girls out there I marry. Yeah, I think I will marry. Or may be not.

Aah. Its been long that I went to theater to watch a movie. I think I should go.

Posted in: on Sunday, February 20, 2011 at at 10:39 PM  

I don’t know whether I should write down tiny winy details of it..especially if I am not sure if I want to remember them. Or maybe I do. The idea is to ignore it till it fades away. But there will always be this feeling of loss. (I know. I miss the days when I used to write for the sake of it. )

I was going through some of the older posts. She is there everywhere. (denial is a proof.. but acknowledgement is worse!)

It must have been the day I realized she was not one of the kids. Shit. It was May, I guess. For a good part of 2010.

Then those eyes.. who kya cheez thi, mila ke nazar pila dee.

And the smile.. powerful enough to force me to write this. Reminds me of the earlier times. Good times.

She so rocks my world.

Additional points –
1) About a week now since I have quit smoking. Let there be bigger occasions.
2) I have wanted to write so much about sanjeev, tapan and anna. They are my brothers. Especially numerous trips that we have made in past one year. Munnar, Hogekennal, Pondicherry. Many late night drives with sanjeev. Daaru parties. Discussions. Fundes. Poker. Cricket.
3) And you.

Posted in: on Monday, January 24, 2011 at at 11:00 PM  

'well?'
'well.. when i was a kid, in one of those 'moral lessons' book, i read that try correcting five things that you found were not right every day. i took it rather seriously.'
'so every single day?'
'for the first six months. i thought i had fixed everything.'
'and now?'
'i can invariably identify when something is going wrong.'
'and?'
'and i get this urge to fix it. but now i have more control.'
'must have been very difficult?'
'yes.. it was. but mainly because i lacked maturity. somethings can not be fixed in one day. some things will go worse if you try fixing them. some things can not be fixed. and its such a difficult task correctly identifying what belongs to which category. initially it was fun. i was a kid. and the wrongness was so well defined.'

Posted in: on Thursday, January 13, 2011 at at 1:09 AM  

i hope this could be a post that i am writing just for the heck of it. but as i keep on saying..those days are gone. and i should accept it. being aware is the only option.

so.. whats up with me? i guess i need to work hard. like work really hard. and prove a point to myself.

and i need to try to be more grateful and generally happy. may be these are the best years.

and i need some perspective. i have developed this ability where i am not actually listening. i should listen.

and i should in general not try to please any one. i am not good at it at all.

Posted in: on Tuesday, January 11, 2011 at at 12:18 AM  

Naye saal ka pahla jaam.. Aapke naam..

We need to be good at summarizing. 2010 was a good year.

Met some of the most interesting people. Wrote mind-numbing SAS programs. Cracked some of the super-awesome jokes of the year. And became aware of her. Which basically defines 2010 as the year of awareness.

And here is the last phrase for the year without any explanation - 'Do you feel entitled or do you feel grateful'?

Posted in: on Friday, December 31, 2010 at at 7:05 PM  

I had this realization. That if I toned down my sense of humor a bit, I could be irresistible to gals.

I also had some more realizations. I am talking too much these days. Worse, I am text messaging much these days. I think its a consequence to my innate weakness of pleasing everyone.

And have I talked about my inability to sleep for months now. I think its the general view across my friends that the days are gone that you could sleep and start a day afresh. For me, its the hyperactivity of my mind I guess. Its like a TV that I can not switch off.

I am also trying to fight off my desire to be at the center of affairs. It makes me feel pathetic.

I now know for sure that my ignorance has been my strength all this while. There were times where I did things because I knew that not doing them were not an option. But now the awareness of alternatives have diluted that drive.

Living life in extreme is quite easy. Caring completely and not caring at all is easy. Its fine-tuning life that is difficult.

Posted in: on Sunday, December 19, 2010 at at 11:36 PM  

Random lines
1. No comments. Only compliments!
2. For laughing at my jokes.

Context?? naah. Unnecessary dilution of borrowed originality.

Anyway, I write after so many days. And I am playing safe. Not good.

Anyway, I did ask her. Originally the plan was to ask her as if it was the most natural thing for me to do. But I think I am born honest. I knew that it was weird and I said that it was weird. Crap! I can literally write what not to do when asking someone out.

Anyway, she is such a class act. Makes me feel like a kid.

But I am little less restless now. In fact, I am a lot better.

And for this two-three months, I have worked with these guys. Not kids. All grown-ups. And it was such fun. Seriously. They deserve a special mention. You know when people see you and they draw a smile..isn't it just so so great when you know that they are actually happy seeing you. I can not describe the feeling.

With the team that I have I should be a pretty happy man. And may be I am. But as Agent Smith says, 'Human beings define their reality through misery.'

And so what do I want to do in life? Such questions demand ambiguous answers. I think I just want to be a tough act to follow.

Posted in: on Wednesday, December 8, 2010 at at 11:30 PM  

Swami Vivekanand writes in his autobiography of traveling Kashmir and feeling intense anguish on seeing the desecration of innumerable temples by invaders. He fell at the feet of divine mother in a Kali temple and asked, 'How could you let this happen, Mother? Why did you permit this desecration?' In response, the Divine Mother appeared in his heart and admonished him 'What is it to you, Vivekanand, if the invader breaks my images? Do you protect me, or do I protect you?'

(Open Page, The Hindu, Nov 28, 2010)

Posted in: on Tuesday, November 30, 2010 at at 11:35 PM  

As I Walked Out One Evening
by W. H. Auden

As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
'Love has no ending.

'I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street,

'I'll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.

'The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
And the first love of the world.'

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
'O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.

'In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.

'In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.

'Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver's brilliant bow.

'O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you've missed.

'The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.

'Where the beggars raffle the banknotes
And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,
And Jill goes down on her back.

'O look, look in the mirror,
O look in your distress:
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.

'O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.'

It was late, late in the evening,
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.

Posted in: on Thursday, November 25, 2010 at at 8:44 PM  

What's with these songs? Such beautiful lyrics. Were they all in love?? It makes one wonder.

Tu is tarah se meri zindagi mein shamil hai,
Jahan bhi jaaun, yeh lagta hai, teri mahfil hai.

It's been my theme song for two consecutive phases now. One, when I suddenly realized that I liked the smell of smoke. And the phase that I am right now in.

It gets better.

Yeh aasmaan, yeh baadal, yeh raaste yeh hawaa,
Harek cheez hai apni jagah thikaane se.
Kai dino se shikayat nahi jammane se.

And all the other songs have a new flavor to them because of her. I should seriously write her down before it gets contaminated. You see I could have never written last line. Before killing myself that is.

I could write a post a day for her.

Posted in: on Monday, November 15, 2010 at at 11:22 PM  

So this is what it does to you. I would like to think of them as indicators. Indicators that are just trying to consolidate my resolve. I find her everywhere. I was on the airport. And she was there. For a brief moment I laughed at myself. Thinking that it can’t be and it’s just part of my imagination. But then with each passing moment, she became more of her. The way she flicked her hair. The way she smiled. The way she looked (at things around her). I actually walked up to her. Can you believe that? Of course, only to find that she was not her. I should have talked to her anyways. This one would have been my backup plan in case she couldn’t be with me. But seriously, the moment I was sitting right in front of her, I was so scared of this feeling of such mammoth force. And I was more scared because I was walking this unknown territory with my own false perception of maturity.

But she has made me aware of her in ways that no one else has been able to. Seriously.

Posted in: on Friday, November 12, 2010 at at 8:41 PM  

I should just shut my trap up. I need more control. I hope the new levels of emotions I feel is not general extension of this losing-my-control phenomenon.

Anyway, should I or should I not? May be I should. The fact that I am thinking twice is a reason good enough.

It's been on very specific occasions that I have written about someone else in my blog.

I know. After almost 4 years with this blog, I have finally made peace with it. And I write this post, with a sense of belongingness that I have with old friends. Like Phaedrus had with his motorcycle I guess.

I am not going to write about blog. I am going to write about my team.
So this team that I work with. Is full of girls. And given that I have been with the company for more than three years, I have a sense of self-righteousness and lack of respect bordering to contempt for political correctness. You know as I write this, I feel like a coward looking out for ways to hide something. shit man. after years of self-evaluation the closest I find myself to is the word cowardice. Not a good feeling but finally I am aware atleast.

So this team of girls, mostly the ones who are junior to me in age and experience. I think I will never tell them that how special they have made me feel at times. (There are boys as well..but lets not waste ink here.) To the levels that I belived for quite sometime that I had a refined sense of humor. The only thing thats stopping me from recounting instances is my own belief that I can not do justice. They are special and I hope they are as happy as I believe them to be.

Anyway, there is this girl. And she seems wise beyond her years. And she is not amongst the one that I talked above about. She is so hot in her own subtle ways. She seems like someone who has got a nice story to tell. I am thinking about asking her out. Only if I did not have this very low self steam, I would already have. I hope I do.

Posted in: on Friday, September 17, 2010 at at 11:09 PM  

'Contempt' seems to be my word for the year. Contempt is what I feel for the things that I deserve and the things I dont.

Anyway. Finally completed reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I would have said that I loved it but the author will feel contempt for the generic nature of the response and somehow he seems like someone whose opinion should be given some importance. So I will just say that the book got me thinking. The book was lent to me by a friend. Seriously, if you want to be remembered - lend a good book and make sure its read. Anyway, he said that it was a life changing book. And so I am not sleeping for past few days. You dont want to be sleeping while your life changes. See..I feel contempt for cracking jokes everytime.

The book discusses about a problem - 'stuckness'. And I got stuck right there. So I started re-reading the whole book. And it seemed so smooth in the second reading when I was looking for answers of specific questions I had pondering about the point of the book. I would have liked to write some more on my take on the book to give the impression that i completely got it..but now I cant, can I?

Anyway, you should understand that I wrote so much about the book here so that you would read it.

'It's an old split. Like the one between art and art history. One does it and one talks about how it's done and the talk about how it's done never seems to match how one does it.'

Posted in: on Wednesday, September 1, 2010 at at 8:53 PM  

Just watched some dance videos from college. It must feel so high - dancing. And here I am - getting high on writing SAS programs (it made me think). It’s not too bad I hope. Anyway, I feel so saturated nowadays - the feeling that there is no new thing to be done. I hate the feeling. Someday, I will study psychology. Someday, I will write a poem. Someday, I will read all this and feel that I never had the courage.

Anyway, I also suddenly see my convictions challenged, my methods changing. I have believed in chaos of thoughts for sometime. Perfection of the evaluator. Cynical idealism. Abstract and unexplained ideas. That ‘lost in translation’ crap that has stopped me from conveying them to the others or myself. But I think I am giving it a shot now - to not being presumptuous or charitable. Someday I will not be afraid and I will be free. That last line was intentionally random.

You know I am a fighter. I am fighting the urge of deleting everything written above because I know I am writing it for you. Are you impressed? I don’t care I guess. But denial is always a proof. And that is why I am not deleting it.

I also wanted to write about something else. Yeah - you know those ‘perfect match’ sections in those social networking site? I would have written ‘where familiarity does not breed contempt’. Smells of originality?? But still stinks.

Posted in: on Tuesday, August 3, 2010 at at 8:37 PM  

I suddenly feel like writing this. Many people have left the company. I don’t like it at all. I am very ignorant by the way. But once in a while, you find people that you don’t want to lose.

Shit. I never thought I will start a post like this. It’s become an infinite loop kinda problem. I mean I don’t want to write because I think there is no need of writing. And then I want to remember this and I say I write it down anyway. But then I want to write minimum and drawing the line for minimum is absolutely difficult.

For example, I feel like going ahead and deleting whatever I wrote. But then its been so long that I posted something. But surely I have become impatient – with myself and others.

Anyway, I wanted to write this post to talk about this friend who left the company few days ago. He said that he thought I was a ‘better him’ and I was not sure if that was a complement. But he is from IIMK and sent me songs like Romeo and Juliet and To Moon & Back. So I think it should be complement.

Anyway, I am going peripheral again. Shit.

So like few months back, we are on this resort for a team outing. And everything is almost fine. But then they take us to this dance floor and ask us to dance. And I am like.. I cant watch myself dance..how can I torture other people. Anyway, the overall idea is that it all seems so bloody forced. And the sad part is that you eventually get so used to it that you don’t even realize that it is forced.

Anyway, so I come out for a smoke. And there is this guy sitting there smoking. We have not been introduced formally. So I go few steps ahead and start my sutta break. And then after completing his smoke he comes to me and says whether he could share my smoke. And I say yes. And then we start talking. It was like in a movie.

So we start talking about life. How seeking enjoyment (happiness would have been much stronger a word) could be depressing. You know the moments that you know that you have connected with someone and you stop bullshitting and say the truth. It was such a conversation. I want to remember that for rest of my life.

And then for few days I avoided him intentionally. I am still fearful about my sexuality rather. (I just get this feeling now, that 100 years later people will come across this text to decipher the mystery behind greatness that was me, and they will conclude that I was gay!)

And then we became normal. People connected to each other by the need of a cigarette. And as they say..rest is not history yet.

By the way..the earlier part of this post was written few days before. And rest I completed just now.

And the event that triggered the completion was one of frustration. You know you get frustrated and you start solving math problems. I get frustrated and I listen to lady gaga’ bad romance. Then I get some more depressed and then I write this.

But the tragic event was the realization that I have been frustrated for few days now. I need a break. I have been on loose. I need some self control.

Posted in: on Thursday, June 24, 2010 at at 9:18 PM  

i suddenly realised. may be this are the most productive days of my life. or is it just this age. i am almost 25. i am in that phase of my life i guess. where finally i know how stupid i was before.. and where i kind of imagine myself looking at this post in another 10 years and saying..'aah! boy, i was annoyingly stupid.'.

i just asked the man the other day to stop bringing times of india and start bringing the hindu. and it felt good.

i guess its the age. you know you define your moral boundary sort of stuff. and i guess its the work as well. i would have said that may be i am happy but i am superstitious with that sort of stuff.

and we are watching ab tak chappan and guru in parallel. and whenever this friend of mine has the remote and guru is coming on some channel, he makes it point that we see it. and this thot came to my mind, that may be he does it to make sure that i watch it. of course, this story would have sounded romantic instead of gay, if my roomie was a girl. but i like the idea. i will include it when i make my movie.

and i am reading three men on (in??) a boat. man its funny.

Posted in: on Saturday, March 6, 2010 at at 1:37 AM  

Posted in: on Friday, February 26, 2010 at at 8:02 PM  

Well, For what it's worth,...

To me the whole sense of this thread having a back and forth over who's the Bad Guy
or How Bad were the Good Guys compared to the *really* Bad Guys wuold give the Director
and Writers a lot of pleasure. Why? Because I think that this ambiguity is precisely
The Point of the whole movie.

Each man presents himself as a Liar. A Liar to themselves about thier own character:
The Kid lies from the get go about being a ruthless Killer.
The Sheriff lies about preserving Justice when all he practices is sadistic tyranny.
English Bob lies about being a Famous Desperado when he's just a Hired Thug & Braggart.
William Munny lies about being Decent & Reformed when Greed and Revenge reveal his
hypocritical slide to become a Muderous and Drunken Monster (at least briefly).
Even Ned - perhaps the most "true blue" -lies about his abilities as a Killer and tries
to run home. How ironic it is when he needs to make his own brand of "money shot" !
At least Ned dies for a friend though even there he talks after torture.

It is also ironic that the two perhaps most slimey characters, English Bob & Beauchamp
survive to basically go right back to what they did before and never express repentence
of any sort. Their Cowardice is revealed but never punished - English Bob's beating is
more disfiguring than crippling and serves to better show his miserable true self. Both
are Ugly Men. They are Scavengers and Bottom Feeders rather than the Predators they wish
to be.

But the central ambiguity of the movie has to be that between Little Bob & Munny.
Munny is clearly positioned in the film where the "Hero" ought to be but his actions
inevitably reveal his capacity for the monstrous. Little Bob ought to be the "Bad Guy"
for his sadism - especially of Ned. But he is the Sheriff and he constantly remarks
on things on a way that display understanding of the way the Real World works around him,
his crafty judgements of danger, and finally he seems to truely not fear Death when it
comes. None of this fits with the desperate, craven, or blind arrogance we expect from
our Bad Guys.

So what's *my* take on it all?
The ambiguity of all these characters revolves around each's own personal dance with EVIL.
The Kid flirts with it. English bob and Beauchamp hide from it in cowardice but support
or exploit others' fear of it nonetheless. Ned at first denies it by rationalizing the
Bounty Hunt but tries to flee from it and dies.

Only Munny and Little bob walk upright into thier destinies without fear or repentance of
any kind. Little Bob pays for his sadism with his life, the End of Munny is not quite made
clear. Supposedly he "settles down" to what his wife gave herself to bring him to at the
cost of her own life - Reform. But it is uncertain and unproven by film's end. The film
seems to side with Munny in that Vengence brings him to his Evil Deeds but Little Bob
accepts Evil as a Necessity of Life - a tool which he tries to wield for his own devices,
but one that he ultimately fails with just as he also proves himself to the "worst damn
carpenter." He is Destroyer, not Builder. He just kids himself otherwise.

FWIW,

Andrew
(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105695/board/nest/154589055?p=2)

Posted in: on Thursday, February 4, 2010 at at 3:42 PM