the greatest blog ever

So I know I suck but I actually want to write a story. Now I don’t know what I am going to write about but I know the start and end of it. In the start the protagonist (who is very much like me, coincidences!) is asked by someone, either by God or by Life itself – ‘What do you want from me?”. There are two options available to the protagonist. He can either say ‘Nothing’ or ‘Everything’. Ironically, the tale will end with the same question being again asked to the protagonist. Earlier I thought I will make the protagonist say ‘Nothing’ in the beginning and ‘Everything’ in the end, obviously signifying the change of attitude towards life. But I think making him (the protagonist) say ‘Nothing’ in the end as well will really make sure that people know that he is the hero from the start and I cant possibly write some ass-kicking character-developing subplots which will change his attitude for good. Now even saying ‘Nothing’ in reply to the question can be seen in two ways. One where the protagonist is really not much into taking things from someone as he is someone who believes in making things work for himself. Second, he just doesn’t need anything. As he already has everything. This two cases can very well form the beginning and end scenes of my story where the protagonist is asked the same questions and he replies in the same way.

Ok. I think I am making lots of sense lately. Not good for business. Anyway, Let’s see how we can make the ends meet.

So whats up? I have no idea why I am no longer able to narrate events taking place in my life. Or is it just that there is absolutely nothing happening in my life? No. I think I don’t want to write whatever is happening in my life. Firstly because I won’t be able to exactly narrate those moments of not-so-extreme happiness. Secondly. This blog is about high thinking. I mean you are already living your life. And now you want to write it down??!! I mean wont you get bored of life?? Ok. I like writing crap.

Anyway, so sometimes a wish there was no break. Because, whenever there is a break. I physically take a break but in the back of my mind, I am always thinking about uncompleted task. And I just think. I don’t exactly do anything to get done with everything. I am a loser.

And what the heck has happened to me?? I am not even writing about love? I mean everyone can write about love. And as long as I am able to write anything unconventional, new on the topic, I am the boss. Love is something that is used to justify extreme cases of insanity in people who are not insane. Ok. Crap. Anyway, let me talk about it little more. Have you seen Matrix Reloaded? My favourite scene is one where neo meets the architect. The room that he gets into, had these small screens, remember? And in each of the screens, you will see, one of the possible ways in which neo will respond to the architect. Genius.  

Ok, I wanted to write about how matrix reloaded is related to love. But let’s chuck it.

Ok. So what did I want to write in my last post? I wanted to write about how busy I have been lately. Working crazy hours. Wondering if its really worth it. And how at times I feel that I would never be this busy in my life again. And how at times I actually think that I am working inefficiently.  Anyway, I really never want to say that I am busy. We always have time. It’s just that our priorities change.  I want to write something more about priorities and time management and shit. Chuck it.

So I had seen this short about 10 minutes long animation which used to come on TV. So a man, a real baseball enthusiast, gets married. His dream? To have 6-7 or whatever number of sons to be able to make a top baseball team of his own. Ok, his wife gets pregnant. Damn. It’s a baby girl. He says its ok. There will be another time. Another time. Another girl. And then another girl. He has faith. so ther is always another time. And after n number of years he has n girls to take care of. He is a frustrated man now. Girls grow up a little. One day he notices that girls are playing baseball. He notices that he has got just enuf number of girls to make a baseball team. But he knows that girls cant get him where his boys would have taken him. Anyway, girls make a team of their own. They are good at baseball.

Fast forward. There is this very important ladies baseball tournament going on. It’s a day of final match. Our very own sisterhood team has played brilliantly and people know that these gals will win. But the father is very anxious. He knows that his gals will lose the match. He must do something. Now there is this important point of match where the girls have to hit a homerun to ensure victory. The anxious father wears the helmet and does something to himself so that people around him wont recognize that he is he and not a she. He pulls back his daughter, a clean hitter who would have hit the first ball out of the stadium. A digression, in baseball, you get three balls to hit. If you miss all of them, it’s a strike for the pitcher. And other team will win. Father misses the two balls. Now comes the third ball. The father swings, and thinks that he missed. But the next second he sees that the ball has gone for a homerun. He has won the match for his daughters. He is proud of himself.

BUT, what did really happen? One of his daughters had come from the back and hit the ball that his father missed. Now don’t ask me how that is possible and how nobody noticed. I loved this animation.

Ohhk. I said ohhk. I definitely said ohhk. I most probably said ohhk. Ohhk.

So whats happening in my life? Seriously.. what’s happening in my life???

Nasha ye pyar ka nasha hai

Yeh meri baat yaaro maano.

Nashe mein yaar doob jaao.

Raho na hosh mein diwano.

Damn. Blogging used to be fun. I guess it still is. Anyway, I watched the dark knight. I earlier thot it was ‘dark night’. Its been quite some time since I checked IMDB. I should do that right now. Ki jab se maine tumko yeh dil de diya, meetha meetha sa dard le liya. Suno ho priya, maine tumko dil diya.

Whoever pursues a dream, is a runner.

Sometimes  I wonder how it would be. Reading this blog of mine in distant future. Would I be able to recollect what really was happening in my life back then? Would I look at my posts and think that I used to write so well and given that in future I will be rich and frustrated, wud I wonder ‘what happened?’. I have always romanticized sadness. Would I look at my posts and feel that I was happy back then, the way now I look at my childhood and think that I was really happy at some specific moments.

I really want to write about this week. I am really not very much into expecting things from people. And then when they do do thing that I don’t expect, it feels freaky at times. As in, seriously. It wasn’t a big deal. But it really feels so good wen someone makes you realize that they care.

So I have been working for almost a year now. And in start wen I had just joined in, one of the seniors, who is actually from my college, called me ‘beta’ out of nowhere. Earlier I was not sure and looked around to make sure that he was actually talking to me and not someone else. Anyway, everything was fine except one thing. One of the colleagues in my team, a girl actually, started laughing with her friend. ‘Isne tumko ‘beta’ bulaya kya??’ I laughed as I really don’t believe in disappointing people and would laugh at anything if they expect me to laugh. Anyway, as it turned out that he, the senior, had actually called her ‘beti’ a while ago and hence I got a sister and a baap in the organization.

Anyway, this was a good week, satish!

Most probably dated: 05Jul2008

Well, blogging is a serious business. For me, at least. I mean you don’t blog for few days and you feel like you are very busy and mature and you start wondering that how you even started as stupid a thing as blogging. Anyway, I am writing crap now. The problem with people like me is that we write crap and then we say that its crap to make people aware that we might write crap but we know that we write crap and we don’t give a crap if someone thinks that we write crap but we sure give some crap about the fact that people must definitely not think of us as stupid morons with a superiority complex and that is why we make it absolutely clear at the very beginning that we write crap. The chances are that after reading the last line, anyone in his right state of mind will not continue reading it. But the last sentence that I wrote just now, would definitely make him wait for a while and force him to go on and read another sentence. Well, my friend this is a genuine advice, don’t go on. Please.

Well, I want to talk some sense now. Conviction is a funny thing. You have gotta be utterly stupid to absolutely believe in something. There is another side of the story. You are so intelligent that you know the truth and you stick to it. And then there are the ones who fall in between. They are not stupid enough to believe in something unquestioningly and not smart enough to see the truth. Well, as you have rightly guessed I think of myself in this category. But not very far from being a complete idiot. So I gotta try little harder and become one. Crap.

I want to talk some more sense now. Experience must help one in defining shit. You should never buy shit. There are people who can sell shit. If you are not one of them, you are the one who will be buying shit from one or other. So if you are able to recognize shit the benefit is two fold. You will never buy shit and you can actually sell shit. Ok now if you are impressed with this paragraph, then you know who you are.

Anyway, being truthful and sticking to your conviction is a long term investment. If you stick, you will have your rewards for sure. But if you don’t, it is not necessary that you will regret. In fact you can end up better. Crap again.

You know I absolutely despise creature who are themselves very pathetic but try hard to project the image of one who know things. But I don’t despise myself. I must be exceptional.

Assume that it rained when god pissed from heaven. So what do you think god must be doing when it’s snowing?

Particulates, basically charred carbon particles, visible by naked eyes are one of the many components in gases that pollute air. Did you know that?  I hope you did. But did you know that they helped in process of raining as well? I hope you didn’t. Because in this post I am gonna tell each one of you exactly that. So these particulates go up in atmosphere and they get suspended after reaching a certain height. How they get suspended, you ask. Because as you go up the density of air decreases and at one point their weight is exactly balanced by the air surrounding it. Anyway, particulates help in the process of raining by acting as platforms for what is called nucleation. The vapors start condensing on these particulates and make a big enough drop that is heavy enough to drop. Anyway, that is not the end of story.

If we have a significant increase in the concentration of these particulates in atmosphere then fixed amount of water vapors will have many particulates to condense on and that can actually result in formation of small water droplets that wouldn’t be heavy enough to fall down. And they will just suspend there. And we won’t get rains. Interesting, no?

Harry: You know you just get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing.

Sally: What "whole thing"?

Harry: The whole life-of-a-single-guy thing. You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner. You go dancing, you do the white-man's over-bite, go back to her place, you have sex and the minute you're finished you know what goes through your mind? How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home. Is thirty seconds enough?

Sally: That's what you're thinking? Is that true?

Harry: Sure! All men think that. How long do you want to be held afterwards? All night, right? See there's your problem, somewhere between thirty seconds and all night is your problem.

Sally: I don't have a problem!

Harry: Yeah you do.

            _______________________

Harry: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.

Sally: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.

Harry: When did I say that?

Sally: On the ride to New York.

Harry: No, no, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no, no, it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

So I think. If I am really stupid or I feel this shittedness because I am too intelligent. On my ‘supposedly’ one-on-one with my manager I was told that I have this great ability of being able to find mistakes in things. And also, (they told me) that I have got great potential and I am gonna go places. Now I am not sure if they say such things to every guy that they don’t give any raise to.  And just now I realized that may be he was true afterall. May be this error-finding ‘great’ ability of mine is the reason I feel stupid everytime. Self-analysis will either kill me one day or make me a billionaire. Its not like I will either succeed or fail so the chances are 50-50. Odds are important here. If  there were say 100 satish’s (plural for Satish) living in 100 parallel universes with exactly the same life as I have had till date (each one of them writing this blog on outlook and thinking whether the other 99 are thinking about him or not!), there will be only 1 (or 2, may be) satish who will live to spend his filthy sum of money on dog races and hostile takeovers (and on Russian whores, may be) and all others will die a death ranging from the death of a stray dog - who got hit by an auto accidentally – and that of a dog who chose death over life and purposely got onto the way of an unbreakable BMW.

And so I think. That how people become so important in one’s life. And how we think that life stinks everyday. And how really unimportant each one of us are. And how really really unimportant our problems must be. And still.. I think.

There are thousand things wrong with me. And yet I find it hard to find a single thing worthwhile in me. May be I should get the job of assistant trouble-shooter who wud obviously ‘assist’ his master in finding problems with the system.

And I am really not convinced myself if I am really gud at it. I am a lousy judge of men. Most of the times I don’t find it important to judge people. Most of the times I will give people more than ten chances of winning my admiration. Most of the times I will like to believe that I haven’t yet seen the best of that son of a bitch. Most of the time..

And for the people who believe that judging people is B-A-D-bad, I won’t say anything. With age, poise will come.

And have you heard of Macroman??! He is the most powerful man in the thousand universes. Even more powerful than Superman. But let me first give a brief introduction of macros. Wikipedia says, ‘A macro in computer science is a rule or pattern that specifies how a certain input sequence (often a sequence of characters) should be mapped to an output sequence (also often a sequence of characters) according to a defined procedure. The mapping process which instantiates a macro into a specific output sequence is known as macro expansion.’ I don’t understand a word of it. So two of the main tools extensively used in our work are 1) MS Excel(PPTs, Words bhi include kar lo yaar!) and 2)SAS, ie Statistical Analysis Software. So people who use excel and think that it’s a dumb tool, must perish in ignorance as I find it quite sophisticated and there is always something new that you could learn about it. Anyway, if you ask me, a macro is something that is used to automate lousy processes and thus increase efficiency and accuracy.

Macroman is the man who can write macros on any kind. He can write macro to create a nuclear bomb and another macro to change that nuclear bomb to a nuclear reactor. The man is a genious. Macroman is our man.

I will try to have a normal start. Its almost 3 years since my introduction to blogging world. I have survived it a long time. I have thought few times about giving it up altogether. but I don’t want to say ‘never’. And I surely won’t post a farewell post. I will just go away. And hopefully comeback. And that said, its implied that this is surely not the last post. So don’t you try to be too happy!

But I would definitely like to leave blogging one day. Somehow I feel that bloggers are basically sad people. I think there are few exceptions and I just hope that I am right. And there is this thing about me. I would leave blogging one fine day, just to be able to come back years later, and write how things have been with me. It will be like meeting an old friend.

Anything I write here, in fact everything I write here is nonsense. And earlier it used to be adorable nonsense. But now it has become pathetic and stinky nonsense. And now, I don’t even try to be funny. That’s the sad part of it.

And lately I dream a lot. And believe me you don’t want to have that kind of dream. All the night, I will have ‘When you come undone’ playing inside my mind and on repeat. And the worst part is that I wake up suddenly and realize that I was actually not sleeping this whole time. Interestingly, I thought I was Neo of Matrix. Anyway, this is another Friday night again. And I am still in office. The one thing that I wanted to do in my life was throw my resignation letter at my bosses face. I had seen it in my dreams: One day I will get frustrated, overworked, exhausted and broke; and then I will quit and feel like a King. AAh, some dreams are not to be..

Becoming a billionaire seems to be a difficult proposition right now. And then I see around. And I find lots of people doing pretty well in their lives. Making money should not be this difficult. Seriously. Par phir wahi baat ho jaati hai ki these people could actually be one in a lakh, and given the population of India, there will still be 10000 people. And how many of them are billionaires?? The shit-analysis above is one of the many characteristics of a man who will never succeed.

I want to delete this post. But I wont.

Ok. I bought The Prodigal Daughter last nite. I have read it before but I wanted to read it again after I finished reading Kane and Abel. The funny thing is that I didn’t even know that it was a sequel of another book. Angrezi kamjor hone ke bhi apne faayade hote hain, I guess. Anyway, I never thought The Prodigal Daughter to be a great book. But Kane and Abel, I found very fascinating, even when I think it was quite predictable. One thing that I am missing lately is not being able to read consistently.

P G Wodehouse. I never thought I would cry reading it. Literally. And not even khusi ke aanshun. Ridiculous Characters. Forced plots. I would have torn the book apart if it was cheap and of my own.

What else?? I have to make REVERSE presentation on something. AND the project that I am working on is high VISIBILITY project. AND I watched Scent of a Woman last night on Zee Studio.

I want to go home. But I have some work. And I could have finished my work. And gone home. But I haven’t. Ok.

Ok. I bought The Prodigal Daughter last nite. I have read it before but I wanted to read it again after I finished reading Kane and Abel. The funny thing is that I didn’t even know that it was a sequel of another book. Angrezi kamjor hone ke bhi apne faayade hote hain, I guess. Anyway, I never thought The Prodigal Daughter to be a great book. But Kane and Abel, I found very fascinating, even when I think it was quite predictable. One thing that I am missing lately is not being able to read consistently.

P G Wodehouse. I never thought I would cry reading it. Literally. And not even khusi ke aanshun. Ridiculous Characters. Forced plots. I would have torn the book apart if it was cheap and of my own.

What else?? I have to make REVERSE presentation on something. AND the project that I am working on is high VISIBILITY project. AND I watched Scent of a Woman last night on Zee Studio.

I want to go home. But I have some work. And I could have finished my work. And gone home. But I haven’t. Ok.

I want to write something incredibly funny. And I don’t want to write I am god. Or I am the stupidest creature in this world.

So, late in night, we wanted to have a glass of tea. And Bangalore rocks so we cant find a hotel open after 10:10. And getting milk in night is pain. But we believe we gotta do what we gotta do.

At one suttee ki dukan + kinda grocery store -

My roomie: Boss, doodh hai kya?

Boss: ‘Eritage’ hai.

My roomie: HAIN?

Boss: ‘Heritage.’

My roomie: doodh hee hai  naa?

Boss: haan. Ten rupees.

Hehe. Bakaiti. Aptly used word by my friend. Ab apan log itne bhikari toh nahi lagte yaar ki dus rupaye afford naa kar paayein. Us din raat ko hamne HERITAGE doodh se bani chai pee.

Friday night. 8:43 PM. And I am sitting in office writing a post. I need to get some life. Anyway, lately Life Sux has become my favourite dialogue once again. Reminds me of my college days wen I was dying to get out of it. Anyway, I definitely had something in mind. Oh. Ok. All this while I though that being disorganized is no big deal. I thought it was rather kool. But now I kind of realize that the way I am disorganized in my life is actually a reflection of how disorganized I am in my thoughts. And everything would have been kool if it wasn’t for the consequences you have to face wen you live in real world.

Friday night. 9:03 PM. I am still sitting here.

Friday night. 9:09 PM. I am still sitting here.

Friday night. 9:28 PM. And I am about to go in 10 minutes.

Here by the ocean, waves carry voices from you..

So. I wanted to write about this incident. I am not very fond of horror movies. The sad thing is I usually get scared when I watch a horror movie. I have tried different mechanisms to get around the issue, like imagining that everything is happening in front of a camera and all. Anyway, so I watched Exorcism of Emily Rose in one of those gloomy nights, way back, in 2005, I suppose, when the movie was released, in my hostel room. Alone. And I survived. And then I slept. And then I woke up. At 3:00. And I wanted to go pee. And if you have seen the movie, one of its many profound dialogues is ‘At 3 they come.’ Or something. Things get messy in movie as soon as its 3:00 am. In a hostel, technically there is no night. So whenever you get out of your room, you will definitely find someone. I was so scared, I knew I wouldn’t go to bathroom. And so I got up on the bed, and from the window of my room on second floor I pissed.

Today is a particularly sad day. For ridiculous reasons. Its one of those days when you realize how pathetic you are. For me, its one of those days when I realize that I have been pathetic all these days. In all probability I am not going to discuss those ridiculous reasons. Lets see if I stick to this.

And the things that I am doing to escape the reality of this cruel world (sounds funny coming from me, :D, in fact =)), I absolutely rock! Ok back to sadness). Hehhe. Seriously. I am literally laughing (yaa, the way people laugh in jane austen’s novels!). Its funny how things look really funny once you start writing them down.

Anyway, its been really long since I have written anything personal I guess. And no, I am not going to write any here. In the obvious attempt to prove my studdness, I have told my friends, including my roommates about this blog. And they don’t read it quite often. As should be expected from any sane person. But then there should be those moments, I guess in their lives, when they think that things can not get any worse, and so they come visit my blog. And I deliver.

Seriously yaar. Why don’t I just go ahead and write things? They will appreciate my courage. Right? Aah. Yaa!! *Rolling Eyes*

So whats next?? I will write some quotes.

1. All good men are taken, gay, dead or intelligent. (Believe me it sound VERy funny in my head.)
2. I am really funny. (what!! I have made bullet points. I got to write some more for the sake of it, right?? So that you appreciate the funniness of the above statement.)
3. okk. that’s it.
4. I cant find anything interesting to write now.
5. okk. but I will continue to write in bullets.
6. What is love? is a question that has kept many females awake late in night, early in morning and at noon. I will tell you whats love. Its one soul’s recognition of its counterpart in this universe. Sounds perfect right? I got it from ‘the wedding crashers’. Pity you will now find it fake. Plus my earlier plan was to reiterate it whenever any girl asks me to define love for her. Gotta make some more searches in google now I guess.
7. aur apni studdness ke barare mein kya bataaun main. For last three or four days my status on gtalk was ‘I am a rockstar.’ And just now I changed it to ‘I am not a rockstar and I don’t give autographs.’ Seriously yaar. Itna funny kaun ho sakta hai.???!