the greatest blog ever

Posted in: on Saturday, December 15, 2007 at at 3:06 PM 6 comments  

Posted in: on Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at at 6:43 PM 7 comments  

Posted in: on Tuesday, December 11, 2007 at at 10:00 PM 3 comments  

Mondays suck! I don’t feel like working today. I don’t feel like working any day but that is not the point here. Well I never have a point anyway but again that’s not the point.

Another kick-ass start of my post. Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to be funny when I know that I don’t have to. Anyway, the writing love-stories thing is very idiotic and as I read it again I laugh. And I laugh because I know that I have tried real hard to look sophisticated. And its not like I don’t try to look sophisticated in my other posts. I try it every where but this was the post that made me realize it and I am not sure I wanted to realize this fact. Ignorance. Shey. So it will take me another insipidity-attack (I love this word!) to continue the story. And if there wud be anytime that I wud write the sequel to the boring love-story, this is it. I am gonna write it right here, right now.

‘Have you watched “A lot like love”?’ She asked.

‘Yess! I did. Yesterday, it came on Zee Studio, right.’

‘Yesss.’

‘Sahin movie thi yaar.’

‘Exactly. One of those movie that you have never heard of and suddenly you watch them and you feel that you never really loved any movie more.’ He delivered the much –practiced dialogue.

She agreed completely.

‘That is how it should be, right? I mean love at late 20s or early 30s makes so much more sense. You are mature, you are desperate..and you still act like you don’t care whether you fall in love or not.’ She concluded.

‘Yup. And you are cool for sure. I mean you stop pretending that you are in love with someone to get laid. Because you have already given up on love and have already become intelligent enough to be able to get laid without convincing the other that you love her.’

‘Or him.’ She concluded again. She continued now.

‘Yup. But the movie was not about this, right? I mean the couple here knew that they clicked. And neither of them actually gave up on love. They were not sure if they really loved each other though.’ She finished, confused about what she had said.

‘So which character did you like the most?’ He asked.

‘Oliver’s brother. Oliver’s deaf brother. I always love these secondary characters. I am sure if there was a movie which centered around Oliver’s brother’s story, every girl will fall in love with that boy.’ She was happy that she had finally got to say what she always wanted to but never had a chance to express it. She thanked him with her eyes and he acknowledged it too.

‘That’s a pretty good observation.’ He acknowledged.

‘You know that character in Anand. Rajesh Khanna ki munhboli bahan. She is my alltime favourite character. You remember that the guy she was married to in the movie, she was actually married to him in real life.’ She was evidently happy.

‘Ah! Waisi he eek biwi chahiye yaar! Par agar biwi doctor huyee toh aur achchha hoga. Kitna kharchaa bach jaayega. Plus we wudnt have to pay someone else for the fake bills that we need to get the claim our Medical Reimbursement.’ He knew he was definitely funny.

‘he.he’ She laughed. Now was the time to return the favor and laugh at the jokes that were clearly not funny.

‘So what else sud be she to qualify as your wife?’ She asked.

‘She sud absolutely love movies. I mean I would like to spend half the time we spent together watching and rewatching movies. Kitni sari achchhi movies hain yaar dekhne ko!’ He was excited now.

She gathered that she could watch movies. ‘It would be fun watching movies with him,’ she gathered again.

‘Well, its not a pre-requisite though. Even if she is not a big movie buff, I would make her one. Agar woh dekhne se inkaar karegi toh I will refuse to do the pole-dancing.’ He wondered if he was trying hard to be funny.

‘Yeah. that wud work for sure!’

‘OR.. I would make her watch Before Sunrise. That would work for sure.’ He was never short of ideas, indeed.

She smiled.

And now I gotta take a piss. And go home.

Posted in: on Monday, December 10, 2007 at at 6:31 PM 4 comments  

Posted in: on at at 2:08 PM 3 comments  

You know the guy who can pick up any girl? I'm him. On crack.

Taaliyan!

Ok. The human need to be praised is at work again. And while writing a blog is perhaps too great a price to pay for this, I would do it anyway. So what is it that I am gonna write now?

I will write a love story. In fact mother of all love stories. A story where participants will defy every behavioral pattern that they are expected to follow.

She was the girl. She was ambitious. She was strong. She had the capability of being rationale and romantic at the same time. He was shy. Almost always self-conscious. He thought that he was intelligent and could deliver the nicest lines if situation demanded it. He believed in being compatible. Compatibility almost being synonymous to making compromises. The idea of love was too ambiguous to him. And more he read about it, more he saw it on television and movies more he got convinced that it was overrated. But as everyone is, even he was unsure if his longing for ‘love’ love was one of the reasons that he refused to believe its existence. He was not sure what he wanted. But he was sure that he wanted it real bad.

They were friends. As they always are. The girl always motivated him. She wanted him to succeed. He knew that she meant well but at times he wondered if there was nothing else to talk between them but career. Life was routine. It went on. On. And on. And He thought. While he knew that the girl was quite intelligent he was not sure whether she would be as intelligent as him to be able to comprehend the ‘love’ love that he was capable to be in with any girl. More he thought about it more he was pleased with himself. After going through a bunch of ‘Traits: In my perfect match’ of a bunch of people in Orkut and laughing at their stupidity for quite some time he came to the conclusion that there existed no criteria for love but one. The girl must be able to surprise him. He thought about writing a book where his perfect girl will star and how he would change the way world expected their ‘perfects’ to be. But then he thought that he lacked the experience and hence the ‘intimate incidences’ that make readers go ‘Awww.’ He could count the girls that he knew and hence the potential love-interests on his fingertips. One. Two. Three. Four. Two of them had already said ‘Bhaiyya’ in a very casual way, but he counted them anyway.

‘Do you believe in love at first sight?’ She asked.
‘No. I don’t.’ he answered trying to be as confident as he always was.
‘Why?’ She believed in going to depth of matters which he almost always found very annoying.
‘Because then you will be confusing infatuation with love. Wont you?’ He was pleased with himself. But then simultaneously too aware that she knew that he was too pleased with himself, he tried to maintain a grave look. He broke the silence.
‘Do you believe in love at first sight?’
‘I don’t know!’ she said looking at the sky. And then at a young couple sitting right next to them. He knew that she wanted to fall in love as much as he did.

This ‘I don’t know!’ had made the already bitter black coffee that he had ordered almost undrinkable. This girl confused him. And he had always admired her for that. He had thought that the girl wanted an ‘objective’ discussion on love and particularly ‘love at first sight’ when she first started talking about it. And now she had chosen to suddenly end the conversation with an ‘I don’t know!’ It was insulting to his non-existing ego. He could be as intriguing as her and if given the chance he would have chosen a different path altogether.

Suddenly time seemed to move backward. The waiter brought the black coffee and chilled ice tea. He looked at her. She was beautiful. But now he was prepared.

‘Do you believe in love at first sight?’ She asked.
‘Before going into this question, I think we ought to address a more important question; which is “do I believe in love to begin with?”’ He sipped from his cup.
‘Do you believe in love?’ She was slightly easy on him, he realized.
‘Yes!’ He answered although he was not sure whether she or he, himself believed it.
‘What is love?’
‘Love is like Pi often approximated to 22/7 or 3.14. Natural, irrational and very important.’ And he laughed.
‘Can’t you be serious for a minute?’ She frowned.

And the Black Coffee was once again undrinkable.


TBC.

Posted in: on Friday, December 7, 2007 at at 6:02 PM 3 comments  

SO meri dukhon se trast (as in My life full of sorrow) zindagi mein khusi ki bahaar. Okk. ___ for this dramatic opening. okk, I wud have used the word ‘__’ instead of ‘blank’ if not for my enormous liking for freaky tricks that digress readers from the emptiness of the content. Uhh. I am gud. Anyway. I just checked the list of keywords that jobless dudes use when they get access to google and while one such word was ‘gay boys wanting gay boys for friendship in bangalore’ the other word was ‘the funniest Bangalore blogs ever’. And as ‘we’ feel proud abt the fact that we have mastered the art of ‘googling’ when we spent two third of our college life in our room with the computer, it was only too sensible for me to go and google for given words. While I was not able to find my blog when I used the first keyword, (how disappointing!) I was just too happy to find that my blog was the first entry when I searched for the second word. (To bhagwaan, with both hands and one head making 75 degrees angle with horizon..) "I did name the blog ‘the greatest blog ever’, but I was just kidding man. I really didn’t know tht it was actually the funniest blog in whole Banagalore." Sorry rahega gazal mam. Google bhagwaan ki marzi ke samne hum aam insaano ki kahan chali hai??!!

Anyway, I wud have loved to write things here but given the fact that people I want to write abt, read my blogs, I can only praise them. And while a lot of fun will be missing from the blog as I think I wud do a lot better when it comes to making fun of the anonymous ‘donst’ and his babes and his extra-ordinary ability to spread NEWS around with speed of sound(yaa, we talk on phone, and for the sake of sounding Elbert Einstein I will presume that signals are passed thru the wire with the speed of sound in the metal used to make wires, and not the speed of electricity or electromagnetic waves or wateva! I never did good in any of my physics courses anyway.!), and particularly the news of one of my friends being found in bathroom of his hostel with a girl and the ‘jealous’ ‘us’ trying to cloak our feeling of being ‘in-general-losers-while-he-gets-a-girl-in-bathroom’ by the feeling of morality and all that crap. Boy, I cud write so much abt him! Its only a disappointment that he reads my blog and so all I can do here is praise him and not make fun of him. Shey! Okk the use of word ‘while’ in the beginning of the third line of this paragraph signifies that I had something contrasting-to-what-i-had-just-said in my mind (why did I use hyphens???? I have no idea!). Okk. so I think u got my point. And the point is that even if I praise some of them it might look ‘insincere’. okk I don’t know what to write now.

‘Courage’ is an awfully fascinating word. I always think ki how it must feel to be truly courageous. ORR even courageous. Because I know I am not. Okk. I am not writing abt sword-fighting here. (as if I am great with sword-fighting!! Janta..Hanso!)

What else. Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

Posted in: on Monday, December 3, 2007 at at 9:22 PM 5 comments  

Every saint had a past. And every sinner has a future.

Posted in: on Saturday, December 1, 2007 at at 4:13 PM 4 comments  

Posted in: on Wednesday, November 28, 2007 at at 8:20 PM 8 comments  

Well I have always written for the sake of it. At least that is what I would like my excuse for abusing blogging to be. And there had been days when I had absolutely nothing to write about but still I managed it somehow. Today is one of such days. Not exactly. I have a lot of things to share to my loyal readers. Quite interesting things, in fact. But as often is the case, there is little room for creativity if the subject matter itself is interesting. You can make mountain of a molehill and feel good about it. You already have a mountain and you don’t know what to do with it. What a lousy excuse! Anyway, trivial things are indeed important.

Well here is an incident. Trivial indeed, as it keeps happening to me every other day. We don’t have that many trains between here - okk, Bangalore! I don’t want people to know that I live in Bangalore. I don’t want my andhavishwasi (the use of Hindi is not because it adds to the creativity, believe me!) fans to search each and every mandir in search of their favourite bhagwaan in Bangalore - and my hometown. Okk I am bored. I am so bored that I don’t even want to delete whatever I have written earlier as a rare demonstration of extreme human perseverance. Kahani sunaane ka waqt nahi hai. The thing is that I missed my train at Nagpur. And so did a girl. And I thought that ‘Jab We Met’ could have had an alternate beginning. Anyway, so our journey began. We took a train that wud drop us somewhere in Chennai and from there we will get a bus or another train for Bangalore. Nice naa! Now here if I was at best of my moods I would have narrated a story full of interesting twists and turns with the girl finally falling in love with me and singing ‘kuch toh hua hai kuch ho gaya hai’ after finally reaching her place here in Bangalore, only to disappoint all of ya at the end of the post and laughing that nothing of this sort actually happened. But the mere existence of the previous statement implies that I am not in the best of my moods and I am not going to waste ink writing things that you know can never occur. So where was I?? AAh so we arrived at two in the early morning and Bangalore being not so safe a place to hire autos at that time I went with her to drop her at her PG accommodation. WOW! Anyway. I thot she wud at least call me to inquire whether I reached my home safely. But she did not. (Well I was about to write that implication-of-existence-of-previous-statement crap all over again but I didn’t. Say thanks!)

bahut bore kar diya yaar. sorry rahega. aah here is a tip for the aspiring flirts though, from our very own karan Johar. You should not use cheesy-pick-up-lines at the beginning of a conversation when you approach a girl the first time. You must always use them just before ending the conversation in a subtle way. As in, you go to the girl and discuss global warming for whole 10 minutes and then just before leaving her, casually say, ‘I lost my teddy bear, will u sleep with me?’ See, before the crowd has gathered to beat u up, u have already fled from the place. Greaaat! Well the exmple part was entirely invented by great meeh and you cud start admiring the genius in me on the count of three. 1..2..3. There I go.

Posted in: on Monday, November 26, 2007 at at 7:44 PM 6 comments  

Many stories are untold. Often best of them. Too personal sometimes, but often too embarrassing. maybe someday, when the seemingly most important things in life become too trivial, I ll narrate them down.

Posted in: on Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at at 6:34 PM 2 comments  

I am a fucking asshole.

Posted in: on at at 6:09 PM 1 comments  

Posted in: on Saturday, November 17, 2007 at at 12:21 PM 3 comments  

Happy Diwali!

yey! main ghar jaa raha hun! miss me!

Posted in: on Tuesday, November 6, 2007 at at 2:34 PM 1 comments  

kya likhun?? i am definitely bored. and not at the best of my moods. so dont expect too much from this post. infact, expect nothing from this post. i am feeling sleepy. i will sleep. i dont know what to write. i am a rockstar. am i dreaming already. where am i. who am i. don. why am i not using any question marks. anyway. subway. halfway. bank jaana tha yaar mujhe. main bank gaya bhi tha. par bank band (BAND. SAND. AND) tha. uff. yeh kaisi uljhan hai. pondy dekhe ek jamaana ho gayaa yaar. pondy. mere dost. duniya matlab (MATLAB. MATHTYPE. SAS. why am i not using any commas.) ki hai. h7 wale pondy. mere dost. teri muskaan dekhne ko main taras gaya hun. ek dialogue maarne ka mann kar raha hai. i didnt invent the rainy season. its just that i own the best umbrella. teen din se main apna chhata laanaa bhi bhool jata hun. mujhe kya ho gaya hai. kya yeh ek sapna hai. sapna kya kisi ladki ka naam hai. kya computer-clock band ho gaya hai. samay beet kyun nahi raha hai. aaj shanivaar hai. chuhe ko bukhaar hai. aur kya likhun. a=b. b=c. c=d. d=e. e=f. f=g. where a. b. c. d. and e are complex numbar. ab isse jyada funny main aur nahi ho sakta. ek ek sentence likhne mein mujhe ek-ek ghanta lag raha hai. phone kyun nahi aa raha hai. kya is post ko main post karunga. ab aur kitni gandagi machaunga main. ek theory hai. life ke baare mein. par batane ka mann nahi kar raha hai. if this post is not making any sense to you then you need to take long pauses at every period. this post is genious. main aur meri tanhai. kya tanhai bhi ladki ka naam hai. main yeh post kyun likh raha hun. mujhe hee phone karna padega lagta hai. main ab number dial karne wala hun. koi phone utha kyun nahi raha hai. kya is baar bhi mera chutiya katne wala hai. mujhe khud hee shop jaana padega lagta hai. kya yeh mere perseverance ki test hai.

Posted in: on Saturday, November 3, 2007 at at 4:23 PM 10 comments  

This is the perfect time to write a blog. Well not perfect ‘perfect’ exactly. A perfect instance of perfect ‘perfect’ time wud be the night when I had to submit my BTP project and instead I enjoyed writing a blog. Partly becus of defiance, but mostly because of frustration. This comes close to being a perfect time as I have no idea what I am going to write about. Well, I have become quite predictable lately and if you have any sixth sense you will know that I am going to talk about my blog. Isn’t it just ingenious? Writing blogs on blogs! I had something else to say too but I forgot. And it was quite amusing. I am sorry that you wont get to hear a really amusing story though.

okk! gud news. here I have got a topic finally. you know what I am listening to right now. ‘Husn hazir hai muhabbat ki sazaa pane ko, koi patthar se na maaro mere diwano ko!’ hehe! Okay, I am not laughing just becus the lyrics is very funny. Its also because I have watched this movie. Laila Majnu. Rishi Kapoor. Ranjeeta. hehe! And its not funny just because this movie is funny, its funny becus it brings back the sweet memory of my geeky childhood.

So as all less privileged kids must see, even we saw only Doordarshan in our childhood. We bole toh main, mera bhai, meri bahne. And my brother was a huge movie buff. He would go to small, crowded, disgusting, paan-masaale kee thook se bharpoor movie theatres at odd hours to watch movies. And given that our parents did not approve of our watching movies in ‘videos’ as they are called in our little sweet gaon, he had to search for excuses for being away from house for like three hours. So he wud took me with him. And we wud pretend that we were just playing in the corner of the street. hehe!! Paap Ki Duniya. Was the first movie that I watched in a video. HEHEHHE! And of course I liked it. In fact, I loved it. Sunny Dewal. (Yaa, he used to be Dewal back then!) Chunky Pan-de. Danny. Maar-dhaad se bharpoor. I wish I cud watch any movie in the same spirit again! Where you believe everything and anything. When you believe and feel proud kee ‘Sunny paji ke rahte tak hamaare desh ko koi khatra nahi hai!’ When you look forward to beating up a bunch of gundas to impress the girl of your dream and the next instant you realize that you wud never get any girl. When Mithun cut was the most favourite hair-cut for everyone. Or at least that is what I thot. And sulked at the thot of getting the ‘munda’(as in bald!) cut again the next time my dad took me to a salon. Shehanshah! I hope kee I wud be forgiven the sin of misspelling this name if thts the case. Agle dus din tak toh Shehanshah banke hee ghoome the hum! (As one of my roomies aptly said once!) I wud ask my friends (so naïve they were! they hadn’t even seen Shehanshah!) to ask me who I was, so that I cud tell them ‘Rishtey mein toh hum tumhare baap hote hain! Naam hai shehanshah! (Shehanshah!Shehanshah!)’ last two Shehanshahs were echos that are so obviously the case when a hero speaks. Mar Mitenge! Another gem of a pikchar. Mithun Chakravarti. Jeetendra. And a bunch of villains! I distinctly remember one scene where the gud guys ( led by Jeetendra of course sans Mithun) play football with the bad guys. And the bad guys do something to the football as in they play with a football made of iron or something so that if anyone hits the ball with his feet, his balls will scream! okk, a distinct ignorance for humorous humor is contrastingly visible wen I try to crack jokes! anyway, so the villains might have worn Steel shoes or something as I dint see anything happening to them. So obviously gud guys where getting their asses kicked as never before. the defeat seemed inevitable. but wait a sec! there came my hero! mithun. with ordinary shoes. and he was as efficient with his feet as sunny paaji is with his hand. Phir to it was just a matter of time before the bad guys get their asses kicked by football, Literally. (Steel ke joote toh pahan liye!who had thot that they wud need an ass-saving-devise as well!) Talking of sunny paaji, I was seeing this movie, most probably “Hero-The Love Story of A Spy!’ where I saw Sunny ji wielding a gun and running after aatankwadi. And I was like.. Sunny ji ko gun ki kya jaroorat hai. Very Funny! Indeed.

Anyway, I was talking about Laila Majnu. We went to an aunty’s house to watch this movie. And I was bored to death. I mean no maar-dhaad in a sunny-paji-way at all. Uper se rona dhona. But this was a flick. Coming on disk! (as we called the Cable connection, and still do!) So we had to watch it. And we watched it. We waited for rishi kapoor to die early. We just wanted him to show us a glimpse of the real hero that goes and gets the villain and his troops in a single blow. We were disappointed. Don’t doubt the concept of ‘Watching everything on TV whatever it may be!’. Krishi Darshan and That Concert about Classical Music (In English! :O) which used to come at around 8 on Saturday or Sunday nights??? We used to watch them too. I struggled and tried a lot to watch those damn cool serials which used to come at 9 in night, Reporter, Tahqiqat, Ek se Badhke Ek, wagairah, wagairah! But I wud never make it till 9. I wud invariably fall asleep between 8:30 and 9, wen they showed Hindi mein samachar then englsih mein news aur lak sabha tatha rajya sabha samaachar.

Time for a sutta break!

Posted in: on Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at at 4:40 PM 9 comments  

This post is special. Life is a sinusoidal curve. So they say. Those who are lucky will find the truth of this statement in others' lives. SOme unfortunate lot, like me, will get to learn it hard way. So, I remember, I was happy. Just this morning. I had got a call from my brother. Then I talked to a friend for another two minutes. Then I marched , my head held high, towards the office. Then I stopped. At Adigas. To have my daily dose of idli. Idali. eeeeeeeeee..ddddddddddd..lee. LEE se ek baat yaad aayee yaar. One of my friends has got the last name Gawali. So he will introduce himself as 'Jet Li.Bruce Li. Gawali.' Gowdness increasing as you go from left to right. A real studd. If u read his testimonial on orkut (written by another Gowd, btw) you wont be able to stop admiring this lots. I wud have copy pasted the testimonial if orkut was not blocked here. anyway, it went like that.

Godfather (Gawali, the Gawdest God in all the 'Li's is also know as Godfather! A big and rumored story behind that!) ko toh aishi ladki chahiye jinhe yeh ek kheech kar tamaacha maarein toh woh Godfather ko usse bhi jyada kheechkar ek tamaacha maare, taki GOdfather ko teesri baar tamaacha maarne ka mazaa aa sake.

Talking of 'Lee's, I wud also like to add one of the many incidents that so frequently occur in the houses of gawds. we were watching 20/20 world cup semifinal. India vs Australia. or was it the match after the one-day series, played at mumbai?? Anyway, dash that. So indians were doing quite gud. and in commentary box we had legendary Arun. Unhone kaha, and I quote, "Australia kee bowling utni kharab nahi hai. par jab yuvraj(or watever) bat kar rahe hon toh unhe rokna naamumkin hai. phir woh chahe Brat Lee hon yaa." and he stopped. Akhir Brat jaise mahaan khiladi ki tulane kisi aur insaan se kaise kiya jaa sakta tha?? But we didnt. That is we did not stop. And one of my roommates said 'Phir chahe woh Brat Lee hon yaa Bruce Lee.' And we laughed.

Ok. This post is special. Not becus what I have written till now. it wud be special because of something that i am gonna write now. My brother was here in Bangalore for two days. Some work came up and he had to leave on Friday itself. We had so desperately wanted to watch a movie; 'Jab we met' to be specific. But as you have guessed rightly, we could not watch it. Anyway, so i had to book his flights. And the little gaon that we live in, does not have any direct flight from or to Bangalore. So he had to stop for the night in Mumbai. And my one of my bhai's clossest friends live in Mumbai but given that he wud arrive at mumbai during rush hour, I was not quite keen about my bhai staying at his friend's place. So I asked one of my lukkha friends on Gmail, 'Abe goregaon airport ke nazdeek hai kya?' and he said,'mostly yes! but ask Pondy!'As apparent from here, pondy seems to be someone's name. and Pondy, the word itself, cud very easily be the most famous word in an IIT. You shout Pondy on a mic from top of a hillock and you will see tens of Pondies ('Pondy's is sooooo un-creative!) coming out of each hostel. Pondy. Someday I will write a book on Pondy.

Anyway, The Pondy; talked about here, is one of my friends. One of my very closest friends. No word that i wud ever write wud give even a glimpse of what we share. He is the kind of guy, that guys become gay for. TCL. Tender Caring Love, comes to mind. Anyway, this post is not about me finally announcing my sexual orientation on a public forum. So pondy lives in Mumbai. At Goregaon to be specific. And I called him up. And we worked it out. My brother has safely reached our gaon now, after staying with Pondy for a nite. And I was really happy. I had told my brother that he will be staying with one of the best guys that i know in this world. And today he called me at 8 from airport. And he said kee pondy bahut achha ladka hai and that he went to watch 'Jab We Met' with him. And I felt happy. The kind of happiness that a girl gets wen her great-boyfriend has been approved by her parents, just what she had expected. And i think I wud have written more on the greatness of my boyfriend Pondy if he was not reading this post of mine. Yeah, he is one of the select fives. But I think i am happy that he wud read it.

Anyway, the post started off with idli. and rarely it may be, but this time it was not irrelevant. I was eating same old idli when I looked at this pamphlet that talked about one 19k cellfone being sold at 6k at one of the UniverCell outlets. Inaugural Offer, they called it. I stopped eating my idli. and went to the shop. and i found out offer was correct. I asked if there was any Black color model available. they said 'No'. i asked if there was any white color model available? They said 'NO!'. I asked if there was any other model with color other then 'Pink' available? They said 'No'. So I bought a Pink LG KG800. but the offer was two tempting. So I said, 'wtf, gimmi two of these.' Then they got me the bill. 12k. then I said, 'wtf, gimmi another one.' and so i had three pink cellfones with me. earlier i had cracked a joke on the pinkness of cell fones on how it might have been targetted for the gay segment of society. i had been polite enough a moment later and said sorry for cracking a nonveg joke. they said it was ok. yes, i was happy. as I was told another moment later I was the first customer at their outlet. and i wud eventually receive the mobilefones from some chairman himself. The MD held a little QA session with me. As in who was my favourite actress and i said 'amrita arora!' the lady at the presentation mike helped the MD with the name. I think its an Hindi (or was it Indian??!) movie actress. I thot I sud have said Pamela Anderson. no. Tory Lane. Anyway, he asked me why AA was my favourite actress and i said, 'bcus she is a fantastic actress.' no body laughed. anyway, i got to eat a lot of taufis and a laddu. the girl with 'thali of laddus' smiled. and i smiled back. every body shook hands with me. 'u are the first customers. do visit us again,' said one of the random man that i shook hands with. and i said 'so do i now get a discount thruout my life?'. and everybody laughed. and I was happy. everybody thanked me for gracing their store with my auspicious presence. and i said it was a pleasure. and i walked out of the store. and i was happy.

but knowledge. 'ignorance is a bliss.'they dont say it for nothing. And as i browsed thru the net i found out tht current MRP of the fone is 11k and can be bought frm the market in around 9k. Believe me it is not as funny as it sounds in your head. khoon ke aanshun ro raha hun main. Maa ghar mein intezaar kar rahi hai kee 'beta, pardesh se paisa kamaa ke aayega.' aur maine saare paise mobiles mein udaa diye. #@!#@#@!$#@$$%%^%%^%^%$^&&! if you didnt get any of the last typed letters its because it was me crying and i dont know how to express it on this goddoomed text-editor.

anyway, this post is especial. not becus i am a goddamn ducking loser. but becus here I gaat to write abt Pondy. And I am happy. I guess.

Posted in: on Saturday, October 27, 2007 at at 5:49 PM 9 comments  

as it turns out this is the 50th post of this blog. no, u dont have to stand up and clap to show the respect right away. all that cud be (n sud be) done once i finish this blog. time note kar leta hun yaar. 10:31 pm. This will be remembered as the time when i started writing this historic post. ideally i sud review and share the experiences that i have had so far. but i am not quite sure about whether to do that or not. As while i am quite not interested in retrospection and summarization, i also get this feeling of responsibility that the knowledge that i have must be passed on to next generation. so we will see how all this turns out and if you are lucky you will get to learn to lesson of a lifetime in this single post.

firstly, i wud like to thank all those wonderfool people out there who blog. i really thot that bloggers were a bunch of losers (which was the main motivation behind me joining the band-wagon as i thot tht i wud finally be looking at a place from far distance preferably froma hilltop and singing- 'this is the place wher i belong!') but you guys rock. And there wud always be someone like Great Meeh who wud give inferiority complex to lessenlightened people, you sudnt feel shocked wen i say that there are blogs out there that make me admire the blogger.

anyway i am listening to this song. 'I try to throw the picture out of my mind; I try to leave the memories behind; Here by the ocean, waves carry voices from you; Do you know the truth, I am thinking of you too.' Nice song. anyway, where was I? this calls for a party. agar daaru hoti toh daaru pee leta. agar fanta hota toh fanta pee leta. paani hai par peene ke liye pet mein jagah nahi hai. anyway, dont feel bad tht i am not able to celebrate this special occasion; sutta tha aur maine sutta pee liya hai.

I am running out of patience and i dont think i wud be able to write for more than few minutes. ab yahan pe kuch sentimental aur sophisticated likhanaa bahut jaroori hai. i was about to present a nice analysis in which i wud have pointed out my basic blogging behaviour by looking at numbers. like how the number of posts that i have written each month reflects the fact that i had been happy, sad or in-general too lukkha (i.e. jobless) OR how the number of comments that i get directly result in the number of posts OR how the quality of the posts and number of posts are negatively correlated. But as I said I am about to leave now so you wont get to witness the power that numbers have.

so here comes the profound thot. And i dont know if i have discussed it before. hell. i gotta go man. the simple thing tht might help you at this point is 'Stop looking for profound thots!'

Posted in: on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 at at 10:25 PM 5 comments  

okk. this is gonna be a complete family-blog. No sex. No violence. No entertainment. When I look back at some of the recent posts that I have written recently (yupp, recent posts are sometimes written recently!) I feel disgusted. None of these posts will get an A-certificate without any editing. Abe, saale, maal, sutta and such disgusting words. I thot I wud come out as 'kool' as imzamam-ul-haq using them. Idiots live in such a wonderland! They are the most intelligent people in there.

Is this the blog that I cud talk to my sister about? I am disgusting. (How I wish that I knew any word other than 'disgusting'!) I deserve to be fried or roasted in hell. (Ok, GOd, I am just kidding!). Every time I write anything I feel smug. I look at my blog and I feel real studd. Which is exactly what I am feeling right now. Srsly who else can write such funny posts??! Anyway, there was this anonymous comment that I got on my previous post - 'One of the worst posts that I have read in my life!'. And I posted some reply with some real smart-ass-ness. But just after I posted the reply I knew that I cud have replied better. As in -'dude, u sure havent read my earlier posts!'. Anyway, anonymous comments are more than welcome. I have seem some real mean anonymous comments around the blogosphere and I have been quite impressed with the intelligence and smartassness in which they do the bashing. So anon guys you gotta understand that u have the pressure of keeping alive the tradition. I used to be one of them. Because I thot that commenting on a post with your login name implicitly expressed the desire of being read widely. And I was too sophisticated to do that. Too stoical. Well, I was rarely mean but always funny. I cud teach you guys a lesson or two on how to comment anonymously. Stick to the basics. Be smartassed, and not just plain mean.

itna kuch likh diya anonymous comments ko leker ki it wud seem that i am losing my temper. may be i am. but mostly i am not. anon comments are most welcome. the meaner the better. always gud to have some reality-check. and to my readers: DOnt just follow me blindly. I know that you think I am GOD. But in realty I am not. Yeh GOD wala joke purana ho gaya yaar. Even I dont laugh at them now.

anyway, the beginning was quite different I suppose. It was about using expletives. And the beginning was earlier supposed to be kind of a joke, where you think that I am writing a serious post and things like-such issues cud only be discussed and identified by one who is a real studd- And then at the end I wud laugh back at you for being a real stupid to expect anything serious from me. My answer wud have been- 'expletives??! who ducking cares!'. but the thing is I do care. Well using them do project an images of urs where you are trying too hard to sound kool. but that is not it. the thing is that world is that way. I dont spend a day without giving truck load of gaalis to few select friends of mine. and complete censorship is not something that i cud recommend at this time. Well, web is open for all but I hope(n rather correctly) that my readers are all adults and intelligent and knw how to interpret things. well, if any kid starts reading my blog someday, may be then i wud stop being so irresponsible. but for the time being let me enjoy myself.

Posted in: on Sunday, October 21, 2007 at at 10:12 PM 4 comments  

One thing that happens when you start working is that you get paid. When you get paid, you want to contribute to the growth of national economy, not by investing but by spending money. Ab main kya bataun yaar. Bahut paise hain mere pass. I don’t know how to spend them. So I call my friends. Boy Friends to be specific. That is what happens when you first study in an all-boys school and after that in one of the supposedly reputed institutes of higher education. (yessssss! I totally avoided using the name(of the institute)! Another proof of my idea of modesty. OR rather a sacrifice made (by me, ofcourse!) so that people continue believing in the sovereignty of theses institutes. Who knows after knowing the name of the college that had the misfortune of keeping me within its premises, parents might just refuse to send there kids to that college!). I think that all this brackets have done much to confuse your delicate mind. so I ll repeat the golden words. or rather copy-paste them. . So I call my friends. Boy Friends to be specific. That is what happens when you first study in an all-boys school and after that in one of the supposedly reputed institutes of higher education. You make a lot of Boy Friends. And what do we talk to them about??? Speaking of the topics that I usually discuss with my friends, I wud also like to point out the way my conversation goes when I call to my home.

My sis: Hello!
Me: Haan bahan. kaise ho yaar?
My sis: achchhi hun. Tu kaisa hai?
Me: main bhi achcha hun. Khana kha liye?
sis: haan. tune?
Me: Nahin. Khaunga abhi. kya sabzi khaye?
sis: karela.
Me: (damn!)
sis: tu aayega toh roz karela banaungi, k?
Me : k.
(Silence)
sis : kuchh baat kar ?
Me: arre, India match jeet gayee yaar.
sis: achha!! man of the match kise mila?
Me: Pata nahi!
(Silence!)
Sis: chal theek hai. phone rakh. bahut bore kar diya tune.
Me: k, gud night!
Sis: gud night!

So its nice that you don’t have to say ‘damn’ and such lovely words aloud to communicate to your sister.

Anyway, where was I?? I will again replay the conversation for less enlightened ones. So I call my friends. Boy Friends to be specific. That is what happens when you first study in an all-boys school and after that in one of the supposedly reputed institutes of higher education. You make a lot of Boy Friends. Boy Friends, who have also studies in an all-boys school and a supposedly prestigious institute of higher education. And what do you talk to them about???

Me: Hello.
..
Me: Abe office-woffice ki baat karke bore mat karo yaar! Aur teri babe kaisee hai?
…
Me: Abe wahi wali??
…
Me: Abe yaar. ek toh pahle tum jaise phaltoo logo ko call karo. phir nakhre bhi jhelo.
…
Me: Abe, nahi hai toh banao be. salae, kuch bolne ke liye hona chahiye yaa nahi.
..
Me: abe yaar. bore kar rahe ho tum.
..
Me: Abe haan. Chau ki babe toh maal hai be. saala photu bhi dikha raha tha us din. saale, kuch sikho usse.
….
Me: hEE hee hEE Haa!
…(Hee HEE Hee hAA!)..
Me: Abe yahi faayadaa hota hai angrezi-mein-thodi-kam-studd ladki pataane kaa. you can talk all the English that u want.
…
Me: hEE hee hEE Haa
Me: Chal be bore mat kar. kat le ab. paise lagte hain phone karne ke.

kat is pronounced ‘cut’. Okk! Coming bak to the point. heres a quick recap for less privileged ones. ‘One thing that happens when you start working is that you get paid. When you get paid, you want to contribute to the growth of national economy, not by investing but by spending money. Ab main kya bataun yaar. Bahut paise hain mere pass. I don’t know how to spend them. So I call my friends. Boy Friends to be specific.’ And I don’t really enjoy it. You sud spend the gud twenty minutes of your time( or rather Talk Time) talking to someone that you cud talk to your boyfriends about, right? A babe that is. Shey!(yaa, one of the sound I invented hybriding ‘Sigh’ and ‘Shit’! it sounds almost like ‘Say’.)

Posted in: on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at at 9:41 PM 10 comments  

Movies. Masti. Magic.

ohhk. A kool start of another wanna-be-a-milestone post of mine. So if your heart is broken. Your boyfriend is screwing another girl. Your girl friend has ditched you after your first night together. You want to cry but don’t know what to cry for. And you want to restore your faith in love. OR if you just want to spend some time enjoying watching beautiful movies. Watch Before Sunrise and Before Sunset.

I wud love to give some sample conversations that the protagonists have in this movie. But you have got to watch it to feel it. But still try this:

Jesse: Okay, so you do believe in religion?
Celine: No, I don't think so.
Jesse: What about fate?
Celine: [shakes her head] Mm-mmm.
Jesse: God?
Celine: No.
[laughing]
Celine: But at the same time I don't want to be one of those people who don't believe in anything magical.
Jesse: So then, astrology.
Celine: Yes, of course! Now that makes total sense, right? You're a Capricorn, I'm a Sagittarius, that's why we get along so well.

Ok. I so desperately want to watch it again. As often is the case, I am expecting the creativity (trash??) to start flowing on its own. It might find its way out any time from now. Knowledge is such a dangerous thing. When I didn’t know about this fact; ok, I might know about it subconsciously, but I hadn’t given recognition to the fact of ‘flowing creativity’ after a crappy start; things were going normal and the later part of my otherwise totally crap posts will have something that I cud be proud of. But, now that I wait for the creativity to flow out I am worried about the mechanism that it must follow, the route that it must take to finally come out. I think I wud have made a much elegant writing in this paragraph if my English was anywhere near good. But may be it IS more effective only because my English is mediocre. Because people will think that he knew but couldn’t communicate it well because, well.., his Angrezi was pathetically bad. So there I go. Creativity is now flowing all around.

I sud talk more about the movie. But as often the case is, I don’t know what to talk about. This wud be the most impressive movie if you watch it knowing nothing about it and you watch the sequel just as you finish the first one. As I had seen it of course. Okk, I gotta go home.

Posted in: on Friday, October 12, 2007 at at 7:08 PM 7 comments  

As I have got a sudden increase in number of readers that I have now, I have been doing a lot of retrospection lately. To be exact, now I have five readers in all. Till recently, actually about a month ago, I had only one reader. A 400% increase in just one month. That’s something. Of course, I have assumed that my first reader who was also the one to have made me moved to Blogspot is still strong enough to be able to cope up with the increasing level of stupidity that I have not-so-surprisingly maintained. Yeah, for those privileged ones who haven’t had the misfortune of reading my posts from its inception sud know that I earlier used to write in Yahoo! 360. It’s another thing that the sole reader of all my posts was none other than Great Meeh only. But those were the fun days. I would write some funny lines and laugh over them whole day. Not that I don’t do it anymore but still. In fact, I was quite reluctant to move to blogspot. Reason?? Well, I have set very high moral standard for myself. And one of these high moral standards is being faithful to things that have been sukh-dukh-ke-saathi in old times. ORR in other words, I don’t really like changes. Things sud remain as they are for eternity. And that is why I am not quite sure whether I am happy or sad that more people are reading my blog now. Well I always wanted and ‘deserved’ a celeb status. Comeon! All, ok five of you know and believe that I absolutely deserve being King Khan of Bloggiwood right?? Anyway, when she was the only reader, I was a lot more likely to write good shit. Not that I wanted to but as I have read some of my earlier posts I actually am amazed at what ever I have done unintentionally. kya likhta tha yaar main! I am seriously thinking about copy-pasting some of my earlier posts. Swa-prashansha that is self-praising or self promotion is gonna take me to the places.

My posts are making a lot of sense lately. And I don’t like it. This was not what I was here for. I never wished to sound candid or emotional or for that matter smart-assed although I am all of them in reality. I wanted to sell lies and crap. And after almost an year of slogging my ass out, is this what I get?? Just five people, who think that I am GAWD! (that’s GOD you nitwit!) This post is a lot sounding like the last post of my life. And now I am thinking about staging a drama where I go away giving up blogging completely and after which, one of these five morons stages a self-immolation in Aaj Tak pleading for my come-back. Morons! I am calling five people who manage to survive my posts, MORONS! Maaf kar doh yaar. Main haath-paanv-pair sab jodta hun apne. Main kya khak Gawd hun?! Sab apni photu bhej dena, apne dektop ka background banaa ke pooja kiya karunga din-raat. Par galti se bhi mere sade-gale posts panda band mat karna. Main toh naadan fun. masoom. nihayat hee bewkoof!

Aah. Now it feels like home. No one else is capable of delivering this much shit in one post. I was about to write something serious. And while this statement-the writing seriously crap- might sound like the joke of the year-and its October already- I actually wanted to write something serious. but I guess I ll wait.

Posted in: on Thursday, October 11, 2007 at at 7:01 PM 4 comments  

When nothing worth writing is happening in your present, you write about past. And movies. And that is how its always been for me. So today during our lunch my friend and I were discussing how Himesh Reshmiyan really rocks big time. We were discussing that kool song from Phir Hera Pheri. Ai Meri Zohrajabeen. And also how Akshay Kumar is too kool. And I asked him that Akshay Kumar must be his favourite actor. He said he wasn’t. And I casually asked, ‘who is your favourite actor then?’ And He said, ‘Don’t ask.’

Ok, so we had our disgusting lunch. We came out and stopped outside to smoke. (Kool banana ke liye kya kya karna padta hai!) Anyway, we continued talking about the same song and movies in general. He suddenly said, ‘I would tell you who my fav actor is but then don’t laugh.’ And I said I wouldn’t. I didn’t. So as it turned out his favourite actor was Ajay Devgan. Who also happens to be my favourite actor. At least that is what I used to think becus he is my big brother’s favourite actor and is almost always the case I also admired the actor a lot. Now I am kool and outside the trivial and moronic fan clubs. So I don’t have any favourites. But I want Ajay Devgan to excel. I want to see him right at the top. And the man has delivered. The growth that he has shown for all these years is commendable. But after each terrific performance he is bound to appear in a row of suckingly pathetic movies. Especially his comedies.

Anyway, so this is not the first time that I have seen some of my friends finally confessing that they like Ajay Devgan. Even gals. Okay just one girl. Who used to teach us about computers in our school. At the end of that educational year we threw her a farewell party in our own little poor way as she was in the skool for just one year. And she said, ‘Pata nahi yaar. Sabhi bolte hain kee you are nuts, but I still find Ajay Devgan as my favourite actor.’ And boy wasn’t I happy! Anyway I wont complain that they sud feel shy about confessing their liking for the actor as even I am one of them. The way he keeps acting in damn crappy movies! Is also commendable.

Posted in: on Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at at 2:44 PM 2 comments  

Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as your wife?
Sam Baldwin: Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that's hard to imagine.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?
Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

If you have seen ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ then I don’t need to tell you anything else about the above conversation. But for the sake of adding more lines to this relatively ‘contentless’ post I wud assume that you haven’t seen this movie. Tom Hanks is Sam Baldwin. And Doctor Marcia Fieldstone is videshi version of ‘Love Guru’. She solves love-related problems of losers on Radio.
Tom Hanks, being the hero, is not a loser of course. But his wife has just died and his 4-5 years old son is concerned about him. So he dials the number, tells Marcia about his dad and shouts, ‘Daddy, you have got a call.’ (Now I am confused, I have read somewhere that period(.) sud be inside inverted comma, but in case of ‘Love Guru’ using my common sense that I have got so abundantly I opted to keep it outside the inverted commas. Any Help?)

Beautiful Dialogues. I know. Best part of the whole movie. You don’t have to worry about Sam though. He will get 1000 or something requests for his address next day on radio station from single and looking, hot and cool, moms and their daughters. Anyway, for a change, when I actually wrote or copy-pasted above part of this post, I had a point to make. I know I am taking a risk when I say that I feel urgent need to do something about things that I know are wrong. Or like going back home and living there happily ever after. And I feel it quite strongly. But I ignore these emotions all the time and opt to wait for a more suitable time. And I am afraid someday when the suitable time comes I wont feel the same about these things.

Crap. I shouldn’t even try writing about these stuffs. I sud stick to the image that I hav lived upto but till recently. Being stupid and funny.

So here is a song to end this disappointing post.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
It's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long,
Anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she's gone,
Wonder if she's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home,
Anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..

Hey, I ought to leave the young thing alone,
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
Only darkness everyday.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
And this house just ain't no home,
Anytime she goes away.

Posted in: on Monday, October 8, 2007 at at 4:41 PM 6 comments  

Aaj toh ek kavita likh ke hee rahunga. All my life I have believed that creativity mujhmein kut-kutke bhari padi hai. And poetry was something that I thot I cud do any given day. Give me a theme and I will write few smart lines that will aptly describe it. Like the way that homeless(that I have rightly assumed) poet used to do in 'Before Sunrise'. Or as in the movie 'Khoobsurat'(the old one). First things first. The lines must not rhyme. Mr Sameer has done much to make any writer of 'rhyming' songs become saram se pani-pani.

So here I go.

Confused.
Yet again?!
Never mind.
Losses and gains,
Or was it profit?
Or are they the same?
Depends.
Ambiguity,
Is beautiful.
Simplicity?
Contradictions??
Who cares!

That looks quite impressive. The only thing that remains is that I sud look for a kool name of this genre in which I am writing.

My posts are not funny anymore. I sud rather write about love. Do I have nothing in my life to write about. Or am I too ashamed/insecure to maintain a written record of them? Nice questions! Makes me look like the one who looks deeply under his own skin.(Did i just invent a new idiom or something?!)

AAh! Now I remember. Frustration. Was the main emotion that I have been going thruoutlast week. Or throughout life, may be. But I remember I was happy. Once or twice. After coming to bombay I mean. Like, when my mom told me that my score in the chemistry in 12th, when re-totaled, had gone up to 59 from 27.I always believed in miracles. Chhattisgarh State Board. They create them. The miracles, I meant. What a nerdy guy I used to be.Who feels happy for increased chemistry scores?! But now I am kool. When my CPI(CGPI, as they are often referred to in more reputed institutes!) crossed the Satti (7) mark I was only too disappointed to realize that it wont be six something now. I lived in hostel six. My chhakki was a tribute to my hostel. But they snatched it away from me. A little sigh of relief came on my face (where else can a sigh come???!!! :x) only when one of my friends regretted his un-achievement of not being a seven pointer after graduation. Thank you, my friend.

But now that I think real hard, I find I am miles away from being kool. Actually I didnt have to think that hard. I just had to watch this movie which will soon become one of my favourites.

Almost Famous. Dont miss the chance of seeing it if you get one.

A brief intro. This movie is about a rock band. A 15 years old boy, William, is given the chance of interviewing them. Lester Bangs is a reputed 'music critic' and acts like a mentor to William. This conversation takes place after William is in the middle of the tours that this band does and is quite unsure what to write.The band obviously wants william to write good things about it.

Lester Bangs: Aw, man. You made friends with them. See, friendship is the booze they feed you. They want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong.
William Miller: Well, it was fun.
Lester Bangs: They make you feel cool. And hey. I met you. You are not cool.
William Miller: I know. Even when I thought I was, I knew I wasn't.
Lester Bangs: That's because we're uncool. And while women will always be a problem for us, most of the great art in the world is about that very same problem. Good-looking people don't have any spine. Their art never lasts. They get the girls, but we're smarter.
William Miller: I can really see that now.
Lester Bangs: Yeah, great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex, and sex disguised as love... and let's face it, you got a big head start.
William Miller: I'm glad you were home.
Lester Bangs: I'm always home. I'm uncool.
William Miller: Me too!
Lester Bangs: The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool.
William Miller: I feel better.
Lester Bangs: My advice to you. I know you think those guys are your friends. You wanna be a true friend to them? Be honest, and unmerciful.

Now I dont get much of the conversation that's happening here but the 'not-getting-girls' part made me realize that I was unkool.

Movies. AAh. How do they make such wonderful movies! One day I will make one. I have two or three story lines also. In first one, all the actors I hire are new comers. And we are not sure which one is the real hero; while each one of the characters thinks that she(damn!) is the real hero. Only at the end of the movie will we know whis the real hero. Nice, na!

The other one will of course be the story of my life. I am reading 'Kane and Able' (Jeffry Archer) for last few days. And I think that that will be helpful wen I make the movie. I am disappointed here bcus if you havent read the novel you wont get the joke. yesss, there is a joke here. Subtle, as every joke must be. So whenever you finish reading that novel come back and re-read the post.

I gotta pee now!

Posted in: on Tuesday, October 2, 2007 at at 6:09 PM 4 comments